tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39049241715572773362024-03-13T09:15:41.698-07:00Our Adoption AdventureAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-36695115715166095002017-07-20T12:47:00.001-07:002017-07-20T12:47:32.847-07:00The Post-Placement PeriodA quick note about this post before we dive in: Any legal information is my recollection of my best understanding of the information as it was presented to me at the time. Remember, a lot of this information was given to me over 2 years ago when we first started this process. Other bits were given to me in the sleep-deprived haze that is parenting a newborn. I’m not an attorney, and don’t claim to be. Also, laws regarding adoption vary widely between states and types of adoptions as well as with newly introduced legislation, so what I know (or think) to be true only applies to Indiana, and only in March-July of 2017, and only to private, domestic infant adoption (not international, or adoption from the foster care system, or stepparent adoption, or kinship adoption, or…). You get the idea. This is our experience, and it’s not meant to be representative of anyone else’s.<br />
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After a child is placed with adoptive parents, the new family enters a sort of legal limbo known as the post-placement period. The birth mother has signed consents revoking her parental rights; the status of the birth father’s rights vary. In our case, birth father was unnamed by birth mother on the birth certificate, so anyone who thought he may be the birth father would have 30 days to register with the Putative Father’s Registry to claim his rights. Meanwhile, the adoptive parents have physical custody of the child, but the placing agency has legal custody. All of this means that at the same time that you’re trying to get to know and bond with your new little one, manage the paperwork of new parenting (hospital bills, adding baby to health insurance plans, employment leave of absence paperwork, etc.), and maintain something resembling a relationship with your spouse and other family members, all on about 2 hours of sleep, you’re also dealing with the paperwork that comes with the post-placement period so that, hopefully, you wind up with legal custody of the child you’re rocking to sleep each night. (Do I sound bitter? I don’t mean to. It’s just that, for me, the post-placement period was the most stressful part of the whole adoption process. They hand you a tiny baby, and you fall completely in love, but there’s this lingering fear that if you don’t fill out all the papers exactly right, someone will take him away from you.)<br />
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Our agency does a great job facilitating relationships between adoptive and birth parents. Part of that process is an exercise in empathy on the part of the adoptive parents, helping us understand birth parent grief. We had to read a packet of information about birth parent grief and answer several questions about how we would handle Mama J’s grief. The answers to these questions made up part of our social worker’s post-placement notes that would eventually be filed as evidence in our petition to adopt.<br />
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On top of building empathy for birth parents, adoptive parents must stay vigilant about getting their little ones to the pediatrician on time. The two-month shot records are also part of the paperwork that needs to be filed. I guess it’s to show that we’re taking care of baby appropriately.<br />
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So, you kind of float along for about 8 weeks, raising this child, but having no legal claim to him. Then things start to happen, and they happen quickly. You go for baby’s 2-month appointment, and he gets 4 shots, and you file those records in your “adoption” file (not the "health records" file like other families might). Your social worker comes back to your house (remember she came once before as part of your <a href="http://adoptinglittlelaskey.blogspot.com/2015/10/home-visit.html" target="_blank">home study</a>). The first time, it felt like she was judging you, your home, your spouse, and your ability to parent. This time, it’s much more casual. She’s checking in to make sure that you’re bonding well, that baby is hitting his milestones, that you have access to resources you may need to help you through all this.<br />
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The social worker files her report with the courts. You get a call from your attorney that the court has set a date for the finalization hearing. You get several emails from the attorney confirming that all the information in the petition to adopt is correct. You triple check baby’s name in that petition, since that’s what the new birth certificate will say.<br />
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And then you wake up on Finalization Day. You get dressed and get baby dressed in a picture-perfect outfit (and pack a second, though not as cute outfit for the inevitable diaper blowout). Here's Aiden in the photogenic outfit...he changed later in the day. Shout out to special friends who understand the emotions of infertility and got the absolute perfect onesie for this day for us!<br />
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You and your spouse nervously assure each other that “This’ll be easy. Everyone says it’s anti-climactic. No big deal.” Yet you’re still nervous. Until that judge signs those papers, nothing is certain. You drive to the courthouse and wait in the hall while other families file in and out of the courtroom. Each only takes 5-10 minutes.<br />
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Then you go into the courtroom. It’s just you, your spouse, your baby, the attorney, and the judge. (They allow you to bring friends and relatives to celebrate, but we didn’t want anyone driving 4-5 hours for a 7-minute hearing.) You’re sworn in, and then called as a witness in the proceedings. The attorney asks you questions about your home study process, the criminal background checks you did 6 months ago, how your family is bonding with baby. He asks your spouse similar questions. It’s sort of a recap of everything you’ve had to do to get to this point. Then the judge signs the papers, and the baby is yours. Everyone smiles and takes pictures.<br />
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And you finally exhale the last sigh of relief, the one you never really let yourself think you were holding in because what if things had gone differently. And then you start the next round of paperwork: getting a birth certificate listing you as parents, getting baby a new social security number, changing baby’s name on your insurance policies (remember, until now he’s had birth mom’s last name).<br />
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And you go out to lunch to celebrate because the post-placement period is done, the adoption is final, and you are now officially a family.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-57113092021178240702017-06-08T05:57:00.002-07:002017-06-08T05:57:42.298-07:00The Hospital Experience<div class="m_4757360006883713752gmail-MsoNoSpacing" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">I’ll pick up right where we left off last time: So there we were, waiting to hear that Mama J had gone into labor. We were about 3 weeks past when everyone (Mama J included) thought she would have delivered. We stayed pretty close to home those 3 weeks, only daring to venture about an hour away just in case we had to run to the hospital at a moment’s notice. Other than that, we tried to live our lives normally. Work, dogs, friends, dinners out, etc. We got snippets of news from our caseworker: a photograph here or there, reassurance that the delay was not because she had second thoughts, that sort of thing. We ran to Target at least once a week to pick up some baby item or another that we decided we needed. We organized daycare.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">And then the call came. I was driving home from a work event on Sunday, March 26. It was about 9:30pm. “Mama J is in labor,” our caseworker said, followed by details about which hospital she was at and what to expect with the staff there. “Pack an overnight bag; I’ll call you when the baby is here and she’s ready for you guys.”</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">I raced home, calling Brian on the way. We packed a change of clothes in a bag and sat in the living room staring at one another. 10:00 became 11:00, which became midnight. Midnight became 1am, at which point the dogs lost interest in our late-night rush of activity and curled up to sleep. By 1:30, we decided to go to bed, that the call would come whether we waited up for it or not.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">I’ve always laughed about Murphy's Law, but never put much stock in it. Wouldn’t you know, though, that as soon as we laid down, the phone rang. “She’s ready to see you guys.” So we jumped out of bed and rushed out the door. A quick stop at WalMart to pick up a small bouquet of flowers, then we were on our way.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">We got to the hospital at 2:30am. After a brief discussion with the security officer at the front desk (we knew Mama J’s name, but were waiting on the security code to come from our agency), we were allowed into Mama J’s room. We knocked softly, and she told us to come in. She was holding Aiden, and whispered to him, just loud enough for us to hear, “There’s your mom and dad. They’ve been waiting to meet you!” before she handed him over to Brian, then me, to hold.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">Most of he hospital staff was wonderfully accommodating. They gave us the room next to Mama J’s in the maternity ward. Aiden stayed in a bassinet in our room, with open visits in Mama J’s room too. We got to feed him, give him his first bath, and do lots of skin-to-skin time with him. The doctors and nurses were great. The hospital chaplain loved hearing our story. Even the cleaning crew was sweet and kind. To protect everyone’s privacy, on the board listing patients by the nurses’ station, we were listed as the BUFA Family (fairly common adoption lingo, BUFA stands for Baby Up For Adoption). The cafeteria staff was often confused about being asked to bring food up to a room that didn’t have “registered” patients in it (Aiden was formally tied to Mama J’s room), but they figured it out eventually.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">There was only one staff member who didn’t seem to support the situation. Luckily, we had been trained by the agency to not only be Aiden’s advocates in the hospital, but Mama J’s as well.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">The second day in the hospital, there was a knock at our door. “Can you tell me your first names?” a nurse asked through the opening. We told her. “Sorry, wrong room,” she apologized.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">“No, that’s them,” we heard Mama J’s voice insist from the hallway.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">“No, it’s not, you don’t need to go in there,” the nurse’s voice responded.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">I jumped up and went to open the door. “She’s welcome in here,” I told the nurse, who scowled and huffed away.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">We enjoyed several visits with Mama J and one of her friends in the hospital, got to video chat with some of our family members, and sent many happy texts and photos to others. Aiden was pronounced small but healthy by every doctor and nurse we encountered.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">The morning of the third day in the hospital, the attorney showed up to sign the paperwork. He went to Mama J’s room first so she could do her part. The book the agency gave us said this could take anywhere from 15 minutes to 2 hours, that no one would rush her, that they would take all the time needed to ensure that she understood the papers. Having made adoption plans for previous children, Mama J didn’t have a lot of questions. About 5 minutes after the lawyers arrived, I got a text: “I’m all done, he’s on his way to you now.”</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">The attorney read through the custody paperwork, noting that nothing was final until we went to court, and outlining all of our rights and responsibilities as guardians. We signed the adoption agreement and the petition to adopt, he gave us the papers that allow us to carry Aiden on our insurance, and told us that cooperating with the social worker’s post-placement visits would ensure a quick turnaround time on the court date.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">Once he left, Mama J came to our room to say goodbye. We took a photo of all of us together, and loosely planned a visit for late July. She left, having been discharged, and we waited for our discharge paperwork to process.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">After birthmoms sign the adoption paperwork, we enter a weird legal limbo. We have physical custody of Aiden, but our agency has legal custody. As such, the discharge paperwork had to be signed by our caseworker, so that Aiden could be discharged to her care. While the papers were being signed, I got Aiden dressed to go home. Our friends had given us an adorable onesie that I thought would be perfect for his “coming home from the hospital” outfit: a white onesie, with a turtle on it, and the words “worth the wait.” The only problem was Aiden was far too tiny to fit into it! Brian ended up at the hospital gift shop, buying the only preemie outfit not adorned with pink bows. (Or so he says. It was a Purdue onesie. I'm still not convinced there weren't other options.) Even that was too big, as we ended up cuffing the arms and legs a few times.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">We got him strapped into his car seat (another moment of realizing just how tiny he was: he almost came in under the weight our car seat is certified for), and the nurse walked us out the door. We drove home (the longest 20 minute car ride of my life), where adoring grandparents were waiting with flowers and balloons.</span></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-18506285131970422262017-05-11T12:53:00.000-07:002017-05-11T12:53:12.410-07:00Meeting Mama J<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It’s hard to believe that Aiden is already 6 weeks old!
We haven’t updated this blog in quite some time, partly because we’ve been busy
with Little Man, but mostly because we’ve been debating how much of what has
happened over the last 12 weeks is our story to tell and how much is Aiden’s
story to own and tell when he’s older. Over the next few posts, we’ll tell you
how we came to learn about Aiden’s birth mother, meet her, and bring him home
from the hospital. We’ll reflect on everything we’ve experienced in the last 3
years to build our family. But there are pieces of the story that do not belong
to us. They belong to Aiden, and he’ll share those pieces when he’s ready to,
with whomever he’s ready to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There is a joke in some adoption communities that goes
something like this: An adopted child and his cousin/friend/classmate/whatever
were playing together and got into mischief. As their respective mothers were
scolding them, and the kids pouted, the adopted child looks at the other child
and says he know he won’t be in as much trouble because “my parents CHOSE me,
your parents are stuck with you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The truth of the matter is that, at least for many
domestic infant adoptions (i.e., the only kind I’ve experienced personally),
the adoptive parents don’t choose the baby. In fact, it’s quite the other way
around: the birth mother chooses the adoptive family. And being chosen was the
most thrilling, humbling, exciting experience we’ve ever had. I don’t really
have the right words to describe the feeling, and frankly, if you haven't experienced it, no words will suffice anyway. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">On February 21, while at work, I got a call from one of
our agency’s case workers. “I have a birthmom who is interested in meeting
you,” she said. She went on to tell me a little bit about what she knew of the
woman we now call Mama J. I feverishly scribbled notes and asked what I’m sure
were not very intelligent questions. I hung up the phone and frantically called
Brian at work. We chose a few dates that we were free for lunch, and set it up
with the agency. We were going to meet our child’s birthmom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We met about a week later for a late lunch. It was such a
joy to get to meet this woman, who is smart, funny, caring, and outgoing. We were
nervous going into the lunch. I told Brian I imagined this is how first dates
must feel, times about 100. The only problem is that neither of us had been on
a first date since we were 16! Luckily, our case worker was there to help when
the conversation slowed. (Note: conversation rarely slows when Mama J is
around…she’s great at keeping it going and made us feel comfortable from the
beginning.) We left lunch with a hug and her noting that she felt bigger than
any of her previous pregnancies, and that she thought she’d go into labor soon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We held off on telling a lot of people about Mama J.
Things can and do change suddenly in the world of adoption, and we wanted to
be as sure as possible. We called our parents and siblings the day after we had
lunch with her to let them know that baby would FINALLY be here…sometime soon.
Our supervisors and work teams knew that we would be going on leave…sometime
soon. And only a very few close friends knew that they were on call to take the
dogs to the boarders…sometime soon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We didn’t know what “soon” meant, but our case worker
told us she thought it would be “one to four weeks.” We got out our calendars
and circled the day 4 weeks from the date we had lunch. Finally, we had
something of a due date to work from. The only problem was that in that month,
I had my biggest meeting of the year at work, another event to coordinate, and
Brian was going out of town for a week of training in rural Virginia. Luckily,
we have great supervisors and teams who were willing to pick up our slack if we
had to abandon work at a moment’s notice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We made it through Brian’s work trip and my craziness,
and finally started to breathe easier. Now, the baby could come at any time and
we were both more available. We spent weekends trolling Target and Babies R Us
for any last-minute needs we could dream up. Our families and friend had been
so generous at baby showers that there weren’t many. But now that we knew baby
was coming sometime between Valentine’s Day and Easter, we could get some
seasonal items we had been holding off on purchasing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And we waited. Four weeks came and still we waited. We
left work every day with a “hope I DON’T see you tomorrow!” Every time the
phone rang, we jumped to see if it was our case worker. We tried to keep living
our lives as normally as possible, but we also (perhaps subconsciously) never
ventured more than an hour from home. We knew we had to be available to rush to
the hospital whenever Mama J went into labor. The anticipation was
nerve-wracking. Had something happened and she changed her mind? Was she just
going longer with her pregnancy than anyone had thought?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And just to give you all a small taste of that
anticipation, I’ll wrap up this post for now. Up next (and soon!): Getting the
call that Mama J was in labor and our time in the hospital with her and Aiden.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-12817692562749742052017-02-23T12:52:00.000-08:002017-05-09T12:50:41.433-07:00"Baby E"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br /><br />Well, everyone, it’s been ages since we’ve updated this blog, mostly because there hasn’t been a lot to say. We’re in the super fun “wait and see” stage of the adoption process. We’re actively being shown to birthmoms, usually 2-4 at any given time; BUT we’re only allowed to check in on our activity once a month, so it’s kind of hard to tell if we’re at 2 moms one month and 2 the next: are they the same moms, different, or one the same?<br /><br />But this post isn’t about waiting and seeing. It’s about embracing the process, and all the uncertainties, and all the craziness with a spirit of love and openness.<br /><br />You see, about 3 weeks ago, we got an email from the agency that there was a special situation, and would we mind our profile being shown. Normally, they just show us; they’ve only asked permission one time before this for a “special situation.” This time, the special situation was that baby had been born at 28 weeks gestation and was in the NICU, with what looked like an extended stay there. Of course, we allowed our book to be shown. Our attitude with this whole process has been to be open to everything; we’ll get the child we’re meant to raise. Who are we to stand in the way of that?<br /><br />Every day for about a week, we got a little more information from the agency about the baby’s condition. It trickled in slowly, as the hospital could only legally share bits and pieces since birthmom hadn’t yet finalized a placement with a couple. One day we learned how big baby was, the next day we learned about results from brain and kidney scans, and so on. Feverish phone calls with nurses we trust (topping the list: awesome soon-to-be Uncle Chris! and Brian's college friend Elizabeth-Boiler Up!) ensued to see what the results of these different tests and procedures meant. What did it mean that she was moved off a ventilator and onto a nasal cannula? What did it mean that she was weaned off TPN and now on donor milk? (Side note: Trust your friends/family in the medical profession. They are much wiser than Dr. Google.)<br /><br />Then one day, we learned birthmom had named baby. To protect privacy, let’s call her Baby E. We didn’t tell many people. We gave vague information. It’s hard when you want so desperately to parent this child to not shout to the world that you need sent your way all the prayers, positive energy, kind thoughts, good juju…whatever it is your friends believe in. At the same time, we could only think it would be 10 times harder to call all the people we care about and give them disappointing news.<br /><br />And disappointing news it was, for us. One of Baby E’s tests came back positive for higher levels of drug use than anyone thought they’d find. Because birthmom has 2 kiddos at home, a CPS case had to be opened for them. While we don’t know for sure what happened, we think birthmom may have chosen to place all 3 kids in the same foster home, rather than place the older kids in foster care and Baby E with an adoptive family.<br /><br />Either way, we grieved the day we heard the news that she wasn’t ours. We asked each other if we should be this upset, never having met her or her birthmom. Ultimately, we came to the conclusion that it’s probably better to get excited and hopeful about potential matches and possibly get our hearts broken than to put up walls and guard our hearts so closely that we close ourselves off to our birthmom and child when we finally do get to meet them.<br /><br />So we file Baby E into the same group as “Erin’s” baby about a year and a half ago. (<a href="http://adoptinglittlelaskey.blogspot.com/2015/07/erin.html">revisit that here</a>) We’re praying hard for her, for her birthmom, for her siblings, and for her family, whether they are adoptive or foster. And we continue to wait…Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-40558194529441198222016-07-26T07:35:00.000-07:002017-05-09T12:50:41.463-07:00Adopting Without Debt<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We did it! We have officially hit the point in our adoption journey where we will be able to adopt without (long term) debt! This is such a huge accomplishment for us, and we are so excited! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(Can you read my excitement from all the exclamation points in the paragraph above?)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One of the most common questions we get asked is "how much does adoption cost?" or "why does it cost so much?" or some other variation. So, I apologize ahead of time for those of you who don't like to talk about money, but here we go:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Our expenses for the adoption have been/will be the following:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>$3,700</b> Registration fee, activation fee, and homestudy fee. This money signed us up and helped us get to a point where we were legally able to adopt a child in the state of Indiana.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>$4,000</b> Advertising fee. This money pays for our profile book to be put together pays for the time that the agency spends doing outreach on our behalf to find our birth mother.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>$2,500 </b>Birth mother coordination fee. This money pays for the time that the women at our agency spend with the birth mothers, including some counseling for the birth mother.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>$1,000 </b>Assorted fees related to getting the homestudy final. This included copays at our doctors' offices for physicals, vaccines, and blood work; paying for finger prints and background checks; etc.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>$10,000</b> Placement fee. Due 10 days before the baby is due (or immediately upon birth, in the case of a fall-in-your-lap placement), this money covers the cost for the agency to place the child in our home.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>$3,000</b> Birth mother living expenses. This is money that our birth mother can use to help defray her cost of living pre-delivery and for up to 12 weeks postpartum.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>$4,000 </b>Estimated legal fees. Exactly what it sounds like, this is what we pay the attorney who will draft the paperwork for her to sign and for the attorney's time in court the day we finalize.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">All told, just under $30,000. That's assuming our birth mother has health insurance or Medicaid. If she doesn't, we will have to pay the medical bills related to her pregnancy and birth.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">To date, we've either paid or saved $24,000. The last $5,000 or so we're hoping to save before the baby comes, but even if we don't, we're counting on Target's $5,000 adoption reimbursement program to help us out. So, even if Little Laskey came tomorrow, we'd use a zero-interest bank loan for that amount until we were reimbursed. We have 3 adoption grants that are ready to be mailed out, and we're hoping something positive happens with at least one of them. We're also planning another no-spend month to ramp up our own savings one more time.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So how did we do it? How did we get to a point where we were able to afford this without incurring long term debt? The short answer is: YOU! There is no way we could have done this without each and every one of you helping us along the way. While we've pinched pennies, and socked away bonuses and raises, and sold some of our stuff to make extra money, it would never have been enough without all your support.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhue045ed3A6nBbxGOxKL_-HkPk_PXEDJ7P5doYEu4zXB5BvM9T6A9-5-bb8rMnEVVI8yG6OLhLC7G59jS2WYncEpD4B_mOnI-jx8YQ67QiWXRdPhJOEhiQwyUCCKwGKE7vrSAwprViqINC/s1600/613937b6db2604cf9de54ba0d66ebd64.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhue045ed3A6nBbxGOxKL_-HkPk_PXEDJ7P5doYEu4zXB5BvM9T6A9-5-bb8rMnEVVI8yG6OLhLC7G59jS2WYncEpD4B_mOnI-jx8YQ67QiWXRdPhJOEhiQwyUCCKwGKE7vrSAwprViqINC/s320/613937b6db2604cf9de54ba0d66ebd64.jpg" width="256"></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There is never anything we can do to repay all of you for your exceeding generosity, kindness, and support during this time. Please know that anyone who donated to keep that <strike>atrocious</strike> awesome beard, came to enjoy a meal at Brunchie's, ordered a Santa letter, or bought a football square has our undying gratitude. Everyone who donated items to the garage sale or shared a Facebook status is appreciated more than they know. And anyone who prayed, kept a good thought, or put out good juju for us during this time will always be in our thoughts and in our hearts.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">More than anything, though, we want Little Laskey to know how many people came together to help bring our baby home. So, we're going to ask for your help one more time. We've contacted a local artist, and she's working with us to create a piece of wall art for the nursery, something similar to the picture above. Inside the heart, we'd like to include pictures of the families of everyone who has helped us along the way. So, if you're reading this and you've done anything to help us bring Litte Laskey home, please email a photo of your family to laskeyfam717@gmail.com so you can be sure to be included in this. We want our child to know how much we appreciate and love every one of you!</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-78977748870305547512016-07-11T13:34:00.000-07:002017-05-09T12:50:41.507-07:00Nesting<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Everyone tells you that waiting is the hardest part. To be fair, they're right, it is. I think the hardest part about the wait is that you don't know when the wait will end. We could have a baby tomorrow, or in a month, or in a year. We just don't know. It's hard to prepare for something when you don't have a timeline. So after everyone tells you that waiting is the hardest part, they tell you to not let the wait bother you, to keep busy, to live your life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So we are.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It's a busy summer around here. It's a good summer to have to wait. There's a lot to keep us occupied: two graduation parties, a bridal shower, a wedding, a work trip, a baby shower. Not to mention those concert tickets that were a Christmas gift, and the Reds tickets that we won at a silent auction, and those other concert tickets that we bought on Groupon. Add on a visit from the in-laws, and don't forget the trip to Michigan for round 2 of what will surely go down in history as the world's largest garage sale.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">That's just the list of "events" that we have going on. Then there's the never-ending to-do list to prepare for Little Laskey's arrival. We have a chalkboard on the side of the fridge where we keep track of what still needs to be done. See, the thing with adoption is that you spend the first few months rushing to get the paperwork done, the home visit scheduled, the house deep-cleaned. Then the paperwork is approved. And you just wait. So in an effort to not "just wait" we have The List. The List includes fun things like painting the nursery and assembling the furniture. (I'm not sure Brian would consider assembling the furniture fun, but we only had one small moment of tension in a whole day of work, so we'll go with that as a good description.) The List also includes practical things like arranging child care, finding a pediatrician, and arranging boarding for the dogs if we have to be away from home to pick up the baby. The List includes not-so-fun things like drafting our wills. Apparently, we need wills to protect a child we don't even have yet. There's a weird legal time between placement of the child in our home and finalization of the adoption (about 4 months) where, if anything were to happen to us, the guardianship of our child could be contested by several different parties and no one really knows where the baby would end up.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The thing is, though, that I have much less motivation to tackle The List than I have to clean the house from top to bottom and bottom to top again. I've been bitten by the nesting bug...bitten hard. I'm currently in the process of clearing out the office closet, which was home to our holiday decorations. I toss one Rubbermaid tub in the trunk of my car every day as I head out for work, stopping at our garage to unload it. All so that I can move the few items (a graduation gown, a bridesmaid's dress, my wedding veil) that were being stored in the nursery closet out so that baby's closet is completely empty.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm working off a List that lives in my head, not on the chalkboard on the fridge. On some days, it seems to be an instinctual List. I never know when I wake up in the morning what cleaning or organizational project I'll tackle that day. Organize the wrapping paper. Clean out the cabinet under the sink in the half bath. Might as well tackle the under-the-sink cabinet in the guest bathroom while I'm at it. Those fabric bins in that 9-cube bookcase in the living room? Time to sort through them to see what we really use. That stack of mail that normally lives in the corner of the coffee table? Pay the bills, put the wedding and grad party invites on the fridge, trash the rest. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm driving Brian crazy, I know I have to be. He tolerates it well, though. He doesn't even question me anymore when I announce on a Tuesday night that we HAVE to go to Target to get yet another plastic tote because the china dishes need to move out of the storage ottoman and into a closet. He didn't even bat an eye when, this Saturday morning, he woke up and found me sorting through and organizing the Christmas gifts that we have already purchased. (Yes, I have some already. I buy them on sale and store them until Christmas!)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Apparently adoption nesting is a real thing. Go on, Google it. And while you do, if you'll excuse me, the Tubberware cabinet needs a little attention...</span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-36805356596539773892016-05-30T14:04:00.002-07:002017-05-09T12:50:41.455-07:00Managing Details<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Last week's post was an attempt to answer some of the most common questions we've gotten throughout this entire process, but especially now that we've become active with our agency. After reading through it several times, neither of us could think of many questions that we left out. After thinking about this all some more, though, I think we missed one. A big one. An important one. You see, we are asked fairly frequently why it costs so much to adopt a child. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">I understand the curiosity, I do. I especially understand it when it seems like every other day there are news stories of foster children sleeping in DCS offices across the country for lack of a home, or babies being abandoned (hopefully using their state's Safe Haven Laws), or babies and children being abused. The shortest, easiest answer I can provide is that those children will be adopted through the foster care system. When a family adopts a child through the foster care system, they should not face financial expenses. Of course, we have seen families go far above and beyond the stipend provided for fostering a child, thus incurring expenses that they "choose" to incur. Case in point, paying for a foster child to play soccer on their high school team may be beyond the monthly allowance that a couple receives for taking that child into their home. We've seen friends pay for this (and more) for their foster kids, and are constantly in awe of the courage and grace that it takes to welcome a foster child into their home.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">We are not adopting from foster care, however. We are pursuing a private domestic infant adoption, meaning that our birth mother will terminate her parental rights around 48 hours postpartum, the birth father will terminate his rights no more than 30 days postpartum (hopefully, he'll terminate while she's still pregnant), and we will take the baby home from the hospital. We'll be legal guardians for 4-5 months, until we go to court to finalize the adoption. We have many reasons for pursuing this type of adoption instead of foster-to-adopt, but that's a topic for another post. In this post, I want to give you all a glimpse of why we are happy to pay our agency for the incredible work they do. These women work hard for the babies, birth parents, and adoptive parents they see, and we are happy to pay for their services.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When we posted the blog last week, I mentioned in the Facebook post that we
knew that our profile book was out to one birth mother. We were super excited
to hear that, but that knowledge also brought with it a slew of anxiety. Every
beep or buzz of our cells made us jump. What if that was “the call?” What if it
was our Adoption Coordinator on the other end saying that this birth mom wanted
to choose us? It’s now been a week, and our phones have only been buzzing with
normal activity, so we’ve calmed down a lot, but it’s good to know that we’re
being shown.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We’re allowed to check in with the agency once a month to
see what our “activity” is. At first, we thought that meant they would be able
to tell us how many times our profile book had been shown to different women.
In reality, all we’ll be able to know how many women have copies of our profile
book at the moment that we ask. It’s an incredibly complicated, but
fascinating, process. The agency representative explains it like this:</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We update our active birthmother list once a week. Within that week a lot can change! We add new women and take women off. We typically add about 3-7 women every week from new birthmother intakes. Women can get taken off the list due to placing their child for adoption, choosing to parent, birthfather risk has stopped the adoption, no phone minutes on her phone leading to extended period of no contact, or family steps in to save the day and help. These same women that we take off the list cold go back on due to losing her job so parenting is not a solid option any longer, birthfather is not so much a risk any longer (for many reasons), family broke promises again and aren't helping after all, or simply getting minutes back on her phone. Women that get taken off the list one week could be added back on the very next week or even several months down the line. So when you check in for an update I will only be able to let you know how many women you are out to in that given week. That will not mean that you have only ever gone out to 1 woman since activation, again, it is just this week. That doesn't mean that last week you were out to different women, it could have been all the same, or maybe 1 of the same, etc. This also doesn't account for when a coordinator is in the field and shows or shares your bio to a new woman that she was just popping in to say hello to.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I can't even begin to imagine the level of detail that her job entails with updating this list and all the varied reasons women jump on and off the list at any given time. That's what we're paying for when we fork over our checks to this agency. That, and so much more! We're paying for the social worker's time as she evaluates our home and paperwork to make sure that we're able to provide for this little one. We're paying for the director's time as she explains the process to us in our meetings and (13 hour!) home study class. We're paying for the Adoption Coordinators' time as they take calls from women at 3am in a crisis situation. Perhaps most importantly, we're paying for counseling and support for our birth mother, as she prepares to make a decision that takes a level of strength and courage that I cannot even fathom. It's so fascinating to me to get even a small glimpse into these women's lives. I hope that these little glimpses can help us to better empathize with whomever is on the other end of the line when we do get "the call."</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-34740693270260949072016-05-25T16:16:00.000-07:002017-05-09T12:50:41.448-07:00FAQ Round 2<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
Well, we’ve been officially “active” in our agency for a month. That means that we’ve been up on their website for a month and that any birth mothers who are potential matches have been shown our profile book. We thought we’d take a minute and answer some FAQs that we’ve been getting over the last month, so that you all know what’s happening:</div>
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<b>How much longer?</b></div>
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The short answer to this is: we have no idea, but we hope not long. The longer answer is much more complicated. One key piece of paperwork in the mountain of forms that we filled out was what I’ve been affectionately describing as something similar to an online dating profile. We listed out different things we were open to, in regards to how open this adoption will be, levels of alcohol/tobacco/drug use during pregnancy, and various health issues that we’re able to accept. When a birth mother comes to the agency, she’ll fill out similar paperwork. The agency staff matches her needs to our needs, and she’s shows profile books of hopeful parents who may be a good fit. On average, she’ll see 3-5 books. She can then ask to meet any of those people who she wants to get to know further. Once that happens, you hope to build a relationship with her spanning the remainder of her pregnancy, and ideally, beyond birth.</div>
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So, our wait time is really twofold: we wait until we have a good lead on a birth mother, and then we’ll wait out the remainder of her pregnancy. Some of the women come to the agency after their first positive pregnancy test, some come later during their pregnancy, and others wait to call the agency until they have given birth. All of these are distinct possibilities that we have to prepare for. On average, we can expect to wait 9 months from date of activation to date of birth. Our agency’s goal is 12 months maximum, but a lot of that depends on how many birth mothers walk through the door. For those keeping count, we activated in April, so 9 months puts us around a January birthday. Of course, nothing is guaranteed!</div>
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<b>So, you’re just…waiting?</b></div>
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Well, yes and no. We’re waiting for a good lead and a match with a birth mother, and then we’ll wait out whatever remains of her pregnancy. But we’re not just sitting idly by. The first few months of working with the agency were so filled with activity and movement that it’s hard to imagine just sitting still now. We have a list of baby prep things to keep us busy while we wait. There are pediatricians to interview, daycare options to tour, grants to apply for, wills to set up, parenting books to read, and many other things. We’re slowly crossing things off that list.</div>
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We are also still living our lives! We can’t put our entire lives on hold while we wait. We went on vacation earlier this month, and we’ll be spending a LOT of time in Michigan this summer with our families. We get to celebrate a bridal shower, wedding, and two graduation parties this year. We have concert and baseball game tickets for this summer, plans with friends, and weekends to go to the farmer’s market with the dogs. It’s hard to plan around an unknown time frame, so we’ll just make plans as best we can for the time being.</div>
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<b>Where will the baby be from? How old will your child be?</b></div>
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Our agency is based in Indiana and works with women mostly from Indiana. They get a few birth mothers from towns on the border of other states, but that’s pretty rare. It’s also a lot harder in those cases, because you have to balance the laws between Indiana and whatever neighboring state you’re working with. Yes, each of the 50 states has different laws surrounding adoption.</div>
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Our agency also works almost exclusively with expectant mothers, meaning that we will more than likely take our child home from the hospital a few days after they are born. Sometimes the agency will get sibling groups, and even more rarely will they get an older child being placed, but these situations almost never happen, since most older children are placed for adoption through the foster care system, not through a private agency.</div>
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<b>What will your relationship with the birth mother look like?</b></div>
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In an ideal world, we’ll share letters and photos pretty frequently with our child’s birth mother. We’d even visit a few times a year. I know this sounds scary. It took us a long time to really discover how we felt about this level of openness. When you think about it, though, it’s really what’s best for everyone in the long term. Our child will know where they come from, we’ll have access to as much medical and social history as possible, and our birth mother will get to see her biological child thriving and happy. Eliminating the mystery helps to reduce adolescent rebellion (“you’re not my REAL parents”) and keeping in touch helps her heal from her grief.</div>
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That said, it’s really up to her how much interaction we have with her after all the papers are signed. Some birth mothers send cards and letters monthly, others visit yearly, and still others fade away after a few years, especially if we or she moves out of Indiana. We will set limits based on our family’s needs, but we hope that she is an active part of our child’s life. After all, the more people loving this little kid, the better!</div>
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I think it’s so important to note here that openness in adoption is not the same thing as co-parenting. When I think of co-parenting, I think of a couple who has divorced or separated, but are working together to raise their children. Both parties in a co-parenting relationship have some level of say in the day-to-day lives of the kids. This is not at all what happens in open adoption. Once the papers are signed in the hospital (24-48 hours postpartum), the birth mother has no legal rights to the child. We will be our child’s parents in everything except DNA.</div>
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<b>And last, but not least, the most common question we’ve been asked over the last month</b><b style="font-size: 12.8px;">:</b></div>
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<b>Are you getting a boy or a girl?</b></div>
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We don’t know! We don’t get to choose the baby’s sex (really, what parents do?), and we’re matched with a birth mother, not her baby. She is making the decision to place her child with us because she feels we are the best people to care for this child. Let that sink in for a minute, and experience just how humbling this whole process is for us!</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-36624209988227254992016-04-24T14:48:00.000-07:002017-05-09T12:50:41.451-07:00Paper Pregnant<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Well, it's been a long time coming, but I am so excited to announce that we are officially activated with Adoption Support Center! What does "activation" mean? It means that we are featured on their website and that when a birth mother chooses to work with ASC, if we match her needs and she matches ours, then the agency staff will show her our biography book. She'll have the opportunity to learn a little bit about us, our families, and our desire to be parents. She'll decide at that point if she would like to meet us in person and get to know us better, and maybe eventually place her child with us.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">All in all, we had about 40 pages of paperwork to do, 5 background checks to pass (two of the checks we had to complete twice since it had been so long since we did them that the results expired), and about $12,000 to fork over. We had to have an additional $8,000 available in case we had an immediate placement.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We still have a ways go to on the fundraising side. Our final fees will total around $17,000 ($3,000 for birth mother living expenses, $4,000 for legal fees, and $10,000 for adoption agency fees). We have about half of that right now (the $8,000), and have a Dine & Donate with a local restaurant planned for next week. The plan for a big chunk of the rest of that is to apply for a few adoption grants. We are hopeful that we can bring in even just a couple thousand dollars in grant funding. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">What does this mean in terms of timing and next steps? It means that, other than fundraising, we have done everything within our power to move this process along. Our fate completely rests in other people's hands now. While that's a nerve-wracking thought on one hand, it's nice to know that we are truly at just a waiting game stage of this process. Our agency's goal is 12 months from activation (where we are now) to placement (taking our baby home from the hospital). They average 9 months. So, we'll see. We'll wait. And while we wait, we'll hope!</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-27536581548906949022016-03-02T11:09:00.001-08:002017-05-09T12:50:41.440-07:00Wrapping Up Frugal February<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvr-R1u5kJCtIofqAhWrYWgddgySP5bwZBheTs52rNa5_j7mdPLcrcrm8nxJX5TFpmwb940H9uJk07PVZcsjXLyFZJEzY7lMqPhgHsdUY5bStA3OGA9hVniDAL2AhP3EO15UzEO_ofijxH/s1600/frugal+February.jpg" /><br />
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We've successfully completed our Frugal February, and, looking at the bank account, felt comfortable putting $750 into the baby's savings account as a result! (We also netted $750 from the Super Bowl Squares, so all in all, Little Laskey made BANK this month!) I was hoping for an even $1,000 from Frugal February, but neglected to take into account the fact that we had a month of double health insurance coverage. My Komen benefits kicked in February 1, and Brian's Target benefits don't end until March 31, so our insurance premium payments were higher than we normally see. </div>
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I think I can accurately say that you learn a lot about your spending habits when you force yourself to NOT spend anything for a month. Our top 3 lessons learned include:</div>
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1. We eat out A LOT! Several times per week. This isn't a bad thing in itself, but it's certainly not conducive to saving money. I think our biggest reason for eating out is simply because we can. We're in the habit of it and, especially when we both work a long day, it's so much easier than trying to figure out dinner.</div>
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2. Meal planning has been absolutely essential to get through this month. Half the battle when we get home at night is figuring out what to cook for dinner. On the other hand, though, neither of us work well with super rigid plans for dinner pre-mapped for each day. We found a good balance of having a few options each night that could be prepped in just a few minutes. This gave us some flexibility but some structure at the same time. </div>
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3. Keeping busy kept us from spending money. It's amazing how much more money we spend when we have nothing specific to do. We kill time by walking around Clay Terrace or something similar. If we have plans (particularly on weekends), we can save a lot of money. Even if the plans involve spending some money, it's spent more intentionally than if we just "wing it." We spent most of our free weekends painting the nursery, building furniture, and moving things from a storage unit we had rented to a garage in our complex. </div>
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Special Bonus Lesson #4: It's easier to deal with the situation of your debit card being hacked if you know you're not spending money during a particular month. When we got a call asking us to authorize a purchase in New York for about $700, we were 1000% certain it was fraudulent!</div>
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With all that in mind, and wanting to not lose our momentum of saving for Little Laskey in March, we're going to continue the Frugal February streak into March...at least when it comes to dining out! I think we have to relax our spending rules in some areas (Brian is very excited to regain his Tuesday afternoon movie outings and we're both in dire need of haircuts!), but we plan on only going out to eat in March when we have a gift card to cover a portion of our bill. Luckily, our friends and family know us well, and we have several gift cards stocked up from Christmas presents, and one really nice one that was my going away gift from Social Health saved for a special occasion. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-9786896618704819262016-02-17T06:54:00.000-08:002017-05-09T12:50:41.513-07:00Our Life in 11 Pages<div style="color: #222222; font-size: 12.8px;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We're halfway through Frugal February folks! We'll do a check-in at the end of the month and announce our plans for our own savings moving forward (Money-Saving March, perhaps?) In the meantime, we've been finding ways to keep ourselves busy at home that don't require spending money. Free movie passes were a great excuse for a freebie date night a few days ago, and the free, pre-planned dates that I gave Brian as my "something I made" Christmas gift are waiting for us to use whenever we have a night we need to get out of the house.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This week, we had a chore to do related to the adoption that took up what would have been a mindless evening watching TV. We got to read and sign our home study document! This is the paperwork compiled by the agency that will be presented to the judge to formally say that we are approved to adopt a child in the state of Indiana. It's essentially an 11-page summary of our life, based on the 45 pages of paperwork we completed, our letters of recommendation, and our total of about 24 hours interacting with the agency staff.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you've never had a home study completed, I'm not sure I can adequately describe to you what it's like to read one written about you. The best I can do is to say that it's an incredibly surreal experience. On the one hand, you get to read quotes from your closest friends on how awesome they think you are. (Note: we didn't get to know who wrote what, but wow! We have some amazingly thoughtful and eloquent friends in Cera, Mark, Macara, Lenny, Doreen, and Marti! You all made us cry!) </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On the other hand, you see all the skeletons you and every member of your family possess, out of the closet, right there on paper for everyone to see. By everyone, of course, I mean us, the social worker, and the judge. So not <i>everyone</i>, but still. It's humbling on so many levels. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then of course, there's the legal-ese language that the document uses. Never in my life would I think to describe Brian, myself, our family, or our home the way this document describes all of us. Apparently, we are "adequately educated" about the challenges of raising a child of a heritage different than ours, we were "internally motivated as children to not disappoint our parents," and we would like to "emulate the example set forth by our own parents regarding discipline." I agree with those ideas; I'm just not sure I would have put them in quite the same words!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We ended up having more edits to make to the document than I imagine the average family makes. Most of those edits were the result of my taking a new job right in the middle of this whole process. For example, the home study document has to reflect which of us is providing insurance. We just switched to my insurance coverage through Komen, so that will need to be updated in the document. Once those changes are made, our social worker will submit the document to the judge for approval. Once it is approved, we will have officially done everything in our power in this process. The agency can start to advertise us to birth mothers, and then it's just a waiting game to be matched with the right one.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-73961527025069705922016-02-01T03:18:00.002-08:002017-05-09T12:50:41.493-07:00Frugal February<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">So we've done a lot of fundraisers in the past year. We did #BeardforBaby, Santa Letters, and are currently in the middle of a Super Bowl Squares fundraiser. (By the way, if you're interested in purchasing squares and a chance to win up to $1,000, be sure to check out </span><a href="https://www.superbowlsquares.org/6z65s" rel="noreferrer" style="background-color: white; color: #1155cc; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" target="_blank">https://www.superbowlsquares.<wbr></wbr>org/6z65s</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">. Enter username "username" and password "password" to pick your squares. Also, the more people who play, the bigger the winnings, so please share the link with any friends who may be looking for some squares!)</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">We've also squirreled away our tax refunds, bonuses and raises, and some money from each paycheck over the last 14 months. Right now, we are only about $5,000 from the total amount we will need to fund the adoption. So, in addition to the Super Bowl Squares fundraiser, we would like to introduce you all to our personal contribution to our savings for the next month:</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">Frugal February. I got the idea from a Pinterest link called "No Spend November" which was designed to help people save for Christmas shopping. We've agreed to spend no money in February outside of necessities (you know, like rent, gas for our cars, etc.). We decided to keep our produce delivery every other week and that buying milk was acceptable, but we plan on making meals with what we have in the house. Other than that, though, no spending. No dining out, no movies (good thing I organized 10 free date nights as per of Brian's Christmas gift!), no shopping for new clothes, nothing.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">We aren't big spenders normally, but we usually don't think twice about going out to eat if we've both had a long day at work, or grabbing a nice sweater at Target if it's on sale, that kind of thing. It's going to be a challenging month; wish us luck!</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-71577920813763619302016-01-26T13:29:00.001-08:002017-05-09T12:50:41.485-07:00February...<div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">As the month of February approaches, Stephanie and I sat down and thought about what could we potentially do for our next fundraiser to help bring Little Laskey home.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">We have seen a great idea called "Adopt a Block" where you have grid of boxes labeled 1-100 and each person picks a square and donates that amount of money. However, after talking, we both decided that you all have been INCREDIBLY generous so far with your support of our previous fundraisers and we wanted to switch things up a bit.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Well...being the quick thinker that I am, I decided to take the idea of "Adopt a Box", combine it with the time of year, the hype of PowerBall, and make things a little more fun. </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Introducing, "Little Laskey's Super Bowl Squares"! These are just like other Super Bowl squares but with a minor twist. Instead of doing payouts each quarter, or each half, we will do one payout at the end of the game. 50% of the pot will go to the winner, and 50% will stay with us to help bring Little Laskey home. If we fill out grid, that means $1000 to each!</span><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The nice part is there is no paper to fill out! Everything is digital! </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">To play, simply visit <a href="http://www.superbowlsquares.org/6z65s" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: none;">www.superbowlsquares.org/6z65s</a> and when prompted for a username/password, enter username/password (secure right?). This will allow you to pick the number of squares you'd like.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The score numbers will be filled in 1 hour before the game (unless we haven't sold out, then they will be filled out at kickoff). </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Payment can be made to Stephanie or myself, or online through our GoFundMe <a href="http://www.gofundme.com/LittleLaskey" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: none;">www.gofundme.com/LittleLaskey</a> and must be received 1 hour prior to kick off, or your squares will be removed. If you pay online, please put the number of squares you are buying in the comments section.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">We really want to see this extend past our spheres, so please share this with all of your friends and family and help get the word out.</span><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Thank you so much for your support and good luck!</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Brian</span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-37757741780499286662016-01-13T04:32:00.001-08:002017-05-09T12:50:41.459-07:00Losing Control<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">Anytime a family welcomes a child into their home, whether that's through adoption, foster care, assisted reproduction, the "old fashioned way," or any other way that may exist, that family gives up a certain level of control over their lives. Midnight feedings, loss of sleep, planning a sitter before a night out, the list goes on and on. We knew all of this, we anticipated all of this going into this process. Quite frankly, we can't WAIT for all of this! We are so ready to open our home to our child and give up all the control that comes with having a new baby in the house. (The dogs are less sure about giving up control than Brian and I are, but we're working on it...)</span><br />
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I think to a certain extent, we had even come to terms with giving up control of various aspects of our "pregnancy." We will get matched when the right birth mother sees our profile book. We have no idea when that will be. We have no idea how far along into her pregnancy she will be when she firsts learns of us. We may get 8-9 months to cultivate a relationship with her, or we may meet her several hours after the baby is born, when we are signing papers in the hospital. We have little to no control over the timing of this whole process.</div>
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We also have very little control over her health and wellness during her pregnancy. This idea took us a little longer to come to terms with. Having a background in science and health, I know how I would take care of my body, and our child's, if I were pregnant. We would be able to control (as much as anyone can, anyway) our prenatal care, ideal birth plan, prenatal checks, etc. When we made the decision to adopt, one thing that we really had to think very carefully about was the level of care that our birth mother will receive during her pregnancy. We needed to be open to certain levels of smoking, drinking, and recreational drug use during her pregnancy. We needed to be open to caring for a child whose birth mother may have not seen a doctor until she showed up at the hospital in labor. One of the most grueling exercises during our home study paperwork was filling in a sort of check list of various medical conditions that our child could have. Which on the list were things we were willing to deal with, and which were "deal breakers" for us? It felt so slimy to do that, as in the back of my head, all I could think was that any parent has to give up control of their child's life, and if we were having this baby, we wouldn't be able to control for these various medical conditions, so why would we get to select this now?</div>
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I think we've come around to all of this loss of control. We've had many difficult discussions over the past few months about structuring work around a fall-in-your-lap placement, we've talked about dealing with recreational drug use during pregnancy, and we've discussed the potential for advanced medical care for our child. Just when we thought we had it all figured out, when we though we were controlling as much of the process as possible, life threw us another curveball.</div>
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I think many people know that I've accepted a new job and will be starting on Monday. I'm leaving Social Health Association after an amazing three years to work at Susan G. Komen of Central Indiana as their Mission Director. I'm excited for new challenges, but it's been an emotional few weeks transitioning out of an agency that I've grown to love so much.</div>
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In most families, when one person is looking at a new job, they may seek advice from their partner, their families, maybe a mentor or two. Throughout the application and interview process with Komen, I did all of those things. Brian and I had many serious conversations about what this change would mean for us as a couple and for our family moving forward. My parents weighed in with their thoughts, and I sought advice from a mentor of mine. When I received the offer from Komen, however, my first call wasn't to my husband, my parents, or my mentor. My first call was to our adoption social worker. I wanted to know how a change in career would impact our home study approval process. It was amazing to me how automatic this was for me to do; I didn't even think twice about clearing this decision with someone who I've only known for about 3 months and who, outside the realm of our adoption, has nothing to do with the decisions we make as a couple. </div>
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But that's the thing, isn't it? Our entire lives right now are INSIDE the realm of the adoption. That means that not only did we give up control of the timing of our child's birth, the prenatal care and substance use of our child's biological mother, and the medical issues that our child could face (not to mention the possibility that we may never know what hereditary risk factors may exist for our child), we also gave up some level of control over our own decision making. It's all part of the process, but it's one of those things I never would have imagined before we began this journey.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-11670991671716736942016-01-08T02:21:00.002-08:002017-05-09T12:50:41.429-07:00Looking Back, Looking Forward<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
Happy (slightly belated) New Year, everyone! It's hard to believe that just over a year ago, we told you all that we'd begun the adventure to build our family through adoption. What a year it's been! We hit a low point a few days before Christmas this year, thinking about how long it's been, and feeling like we had made very little progress. We lamented, "It's been a year and we aren't even being advertised to birth mothers yet!" Upon further reflection, however, we realized how far we've come in such a short period of time. So, this post will serve as a sort of recap of our adoption journey through 2015, with a little taste of what 2016 may have in store for us.</div>
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In November of 2014, we decided to begin the adoption journey. We had both been thinking privately about how right it felt to grow our family this way, but we had not discussed it with one another. Our nephews came to visit for my birthday, and watching Brian interact with them (frosting sugar cookies to look like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) was really what cemented the idea in my mind that it was time to have the discussion. The kids were leaving the next day, so we had planned a dinner out for my birthday after they left. We hugged our sister and brother-in-law goodbye, gave both the kids kisses and promises to see them soon, and left each other with a "there's something I want to talk about at dinner tonight" before heading to work. Over dinner, we talked at length about both of our hopes for our family, and we decided that we were both ready to begin this process.</div>
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In late November and early December 2014, we began meeting with adoption agencies. We had decided that we were not going to announce the news to anyone until we found an agency we were comfortable with, one that we knew would someday unite us with our child. We went on several agency interviews (you can review that process in our "Tale of Three Agencies" post), and found one agency that we were comfortable with. It was time to move forward and begin telling people of our plans! We told our families over Christmas. We had ornaments personalized for each of our parents and my grandmother. The ornaments had two snowmen holding a baby snowman. We had someone write "We're Adopting!" on the ornaments, and gave them as gifts. I think my grandma, Nana, had the best response to opening her ornament. Nana was 87 last Christmas, and as she was opening the ornament, I casually asked if she would be able to read what it said without her glasses. She assured me she was fine. Once she got it open, she looked at it and proudly read "We're Adorable!" I assured her that yes, we are adorable, but that wasn't what the ornament said, and she should read it again. </div>
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Once our families knew, it was time to tell the rest of the world. We announced to all of you via Facebook, Twitter, and this blog on New Year's Day 2015. We were overwhelmed by the incredible support, encouragement, and congratulations that you all offered. We truly believe we have the best support system in our family, friends, and coworkers.</div>
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We went on one more agency interview in February of 2015. This was ultimately the agency we decided to work with, and we couldn't be happier with how things have gone with them over the past few months. We didn't activate with them right away, since we knew that we didn't want to begin the process until we were financially able to complete it. Neither of us wanted to incur debt through this process. So, we spent the first half of 2015 raising money to pay for the first round of expenses that come with adoption: agency fees, home study fees, advertising fees, etc. Throughout 2015, we cut back financially to throw as much money as we could into our adoption savings as possible. We also fundraised, and through many people's very generous support, eventually had enough stashed away to pay the first round of fees, totaling about $10,000. My favorite fundraiser during that time was the beard that Brian grew. I couldn't decide how I felt about our friends during that one: so many of you gave so generously, for which I am forever grateful. On the other hand, I can't help but think that at least a few of you took a small amount of pleasure in seeing just how much we HATED that beard and HATED that we needed to keep it around day after day!</div>
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In August of 2015, we had enough money set aside to make it through the first round of fees, so we emailed the agency to see what our next steps would be. Things started happening very quickly from that point. We attended our (13 hour!) home study class in mid-September. We spent two weekends filling out the mountain of paperwork that comes along with a home study. We had our home study visit in early October, and got a draft of the profile book that the agency will use to advertise us to birth mothers in mid-October. All of this was happening as we spent a week in Washington, D.C. to celebrate my little brother getting married and a week in Las Vegas to celebrate Brian's 30th birthday. Fall 2015 was a very busy time in our home! Our home study was approved by the agency committee and their licensing agent in November 2015, and is ready to be sent to the judge after we make a few revisions to it.</div>
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We anticipate the judge receiving our home study draft in early February 2016. Once he or she approves it and we have the full placement fee in our savings (another $10,000) we can begin being advertised to birth mothers. We are well on our way to that next funding goal, thanks to very frugal living over the last few months and another successful fundraiser. I sold letters from Santa to children in November and December 2015. That fundraiser was so much fun for me to do, as I had the opportunity to get a peek into so many wonderful people's lives. Over 40 letters went to 5 states and 2 countries, with recipients ranging in age from 6 months to 60+ years. We are trying to time the approval of our home study with our having that final fee in our account. We have one more fundraiser planned for January 2016: football squares for the Super Bowl. Be on the lookout from Brian about how to get involved! Then, in February, we're going on a spending hiatus. We're nicknaming our final push "Frugal February," and other than paying our bills and filling our cars with gas, we plan on spending no other money during the month. The idea spawned from a "No Spend November" challenge that I saw on Pinterest, intended to help people save for holiday shopping without incurring debt. </div>
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With any luck, our profile book will begin to be shown to potential birth mothers sometime in March or early April 2016. From there, our agency's goal is to have us placed with a child within 12 months. Their average is 9 months. We are praying that, by this time next year, one of us will be updating this blog with reflections of how busy 2016 was, while the other rocks our baby to sleep.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-75117446814828563712015-11-29T16:33:00.002-08:002017-05-09T12:50:41.496-07:00Home Study UpdateHello friends!<br />
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I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! We had a great day. My in-laws were in town, and despite a minor turkey mix-up, Brian did an awesome job cooking a big, traditional Thanksgiving dinner.</div>
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We always have much to be thankful for, but this year, we had something extra to give thanks for. We got word that our homestudy had passed through the agency and their licensing agent! This means we are one step closer to being officially "paper pregnant." Once we approve the draft of the homestudy, our agency will pass it along to the judge for final approval. At that point, we are offically just waiting.</div>
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Once the judge approves our homestudy, the agency can begin showing our profile book to potential birth mothers. They strongly recommend, however, that we have our full placement fee in our savings account before they start showing our biography. This is so that we know that we can cover that final amount (due 2 weeks before she is due, or immediately in the case of a fall-in-your-lap adoption) without going into debt. While this makes sense to us, it's tough to feel like we're legally approved but waiting without being "advertised." </div>
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So, while we wait, we'll keep busy. Through a very generous boss and board of directors, I have some unexpected time off work around Christmas, which I'll mostly be spending writing adoption grants, hoping to get some funding that way. I'm also writing personalized letters from Santa for kids that parents, grandparents, and others can order as a Christmas gift (see an example below). Be sure to order one today <a href="http://bit.ly/1PiGWZB" target="_blank">here</a>. Better yet, order tomorrow (Monday) and take advantage of my Cyber Monday deal...$4 per letter or 2 for $7 (discounted from $5/letter). I'm also hosting a booth at a local craft fair on Saturday to display the letters and hopefully collect some more orders.</div>
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Big thanks go out to Kristi, Cera, Cassy, Kim, and Erin who have already ordered letters for their little ones! Additional thanks go out to all of our faithful blog readers, and all of our family and friends who have been so wonderful and supportive through this whole process. We took a huge step forward by having this homestudy approved, and are excited to keep working to keep the process moving!<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-20488214829726656252015-10-28T04:57:00.001-07:002017-05-09T12:50:41.437-07:00Different Trips to the Same Place<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They say the waiting is the hardest part of adoption. It's certainly a hurry-up-and-wait kind of process. Hurry up and get all the paperwork completed, then wait for your home visit. Hurry up and get the house cleaned, then meet the social worker. Hurry up and finalize the paperwork for the home study, then wait for different groups of people to approve it. That's where we are right now. Our home study paperwork is in the hands of our agency. It will (hopefully) soon make its way to the licensing agent, then the judge. These folks have to approve it, then it's a hurry-up-and-wait for a birth mother to like our biography book. We'll keep everyone posted as we move along, but in the meantime, we thought we'd share with you something that the director of our agency shared with us during our home study class back in September. We found it very touching:</span><br>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Different Trips to the Same Place</b></span><br>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 23px;">Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place; you've read many guidebooks and feel certain that you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip. </span><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 23px;"><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 23px;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 23px;">So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there's no seat for you; you'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait---and wait---and wait. Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax. You'll get on a flight soon." </span><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 23px;"><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 23px;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 23px;">After a long time, the ticket agent tells you, I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat. "By BOAT!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than by air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat. </span><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 23px;"><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 23px;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 23px;">It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip. Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. </span><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 23px;"><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 23px;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 23px;">It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air. People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are only able to travel once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy."</span><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 23px;"><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 23px;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 23px;">You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know you are blessed with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not the way you get there, but in the place itself.</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-5122337344283919792015-10-06T16:49:00.001-07:002017-05-09T12:50:41.474-07:00Home VisitSo, today was the day the social worker visited our house. I've been stressing about this day from the beginning of this process. Everyone we know who has adopted told us that the home visit isn't nearly as bad as people make it out to be. There's just something nerve-wracking, though, about someone coming into your home to judge it...and YOU...to determine if this is a good place to raise a child.<div><br></div><div>We spent the last 3 days cleaning the house from top to bottom. Our house is certainly not dirty, but it is lived in...it looks like there are two people and two weiner dogs living in it! Dishes sometimes live in the sink for a day or two before they make it to the dishwasher, our living room is littered with dog toys, and we've been known to have stray socks left on the floor of the bedroom. Not today! The house almost looks more like a show home than a lived-in home. All the throw blankets are folded neatly on the couch and ottoman, the guest room isn't storing an assortment of off-season clothing strewn across the bed, and the office (which also serves as the dogs' bedroom) is cleaner than the day we moved in.</div><div><br></div><div>The social worker from our adoption agency showed up around 4pm, for what we assumed would be a 2 hour meeting or so. (That's what all the paperwork said.) She sat with us in the living room and did the "interview" part of the visit first. In this interview, she asked us basic biographical questions (dates of birth and marriage, number of siblings, parents' occupations, etcc.) as well as questions that probed deeper (what our childhoods were like, what our relationships with our siblings are like, why we decided to start dating each other, and ultimately why we decided to marry each other). We had to talk about how we think our lives will change when we get a baby, how we plan to discipline our child, why we each thought the other person would be a good parent, and why we want to be parents in the first place. We had to describe our infertility status for the third time with this agency (in short: 5 years married, no baby, but no tests to determine why).</div><div><br></div><div>The interview portion of the visit lasted just about an hour. Then it was time for the tour. The social worker checked to make sure that we had a smoke detector within 10 feet of each bedroom door (easy to comply with, since that's what our apartment management company needs to comply with their insurance policy), a fire extinguisher and carbon monoxide detector on each floor of the house, and a room separate from ours for the baby (we will be converting our guest room). If we had weapons or a pool (we have neither), she woulld have also checked to make sure that we were takig proper precautions to secure those. The social worker looked in each room of the house, but moved quickly through the tour. All in all, she only took about 15 minutes to check our home. </div><div><br></div><div>Overall, it was a stressful day or two leading up to our visit, but I have to agree with others who say that the actual visit wasn't nearly as bad as I had worked it up to be in my head. From here, we each have to have a physical. Once that paperwork is in our agency's hands, the social worker will draft our home study document. We wil review the document, then the agency staff reviews it to make sure we pass. It is then submtted to the state of Indiana for review as a petition to adopt. Once it is submitted to the state, the agency wil begin showing our biography book to potential birth mothers.</div><div><br></div><div>Thank yuo all for the incredible outporing of love, prayers, good thoughts, and well wishes during this entire process. You all have no idea how amazing it is to know that we have so many people supporting us through this long, emotional process.</div><div><br></div><div>Love, Stephanie</div><div><br></div><div>P.S. I've hard from some folks that they "stalk" the blog almost daily...We'll try to be better at updating more regularly!! </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-44421964378324059852015-09-19T16:09:00.000-07:002017-05-09T12:50:41.470-07:00Home Study Class<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Last week Friday was our home study class. This was a 13-hour-long class at our adoption agency designed to help us better understand the home study process, get to meet an adoptive couple and birth mom, and help us feel more prepared for the next steps in this process.</span><br>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We dropped the dogs off at the vet to spend the day, and headed to the agency. Our agency is located about 10 miles from our home, in a cute little neighborhood. It's in a house that's been converted into offices, with a finished garage where they host special events like information sessions, home study classes, and visits between the adoptive couple and birth mothers.</span><br>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There were eight people in our home study class: us (first child, first adoption), a couple who has a 9 month old son who they adopted through this same agency (second child, second adoption), a couple who has a 4 year old biological daughter and experienced secondary infertility (second child, first adoption), and a single woman who had her mother there as her support (first child, first adoption). It was such a great mix of people and experiences; we were able to learn something from everyone in the room.</span><br>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The executive director of the agency ran most of the class. One thing we both appreciate about the agency we're working with is that they tell us what we NEED to hear, even when that is different from what we WANT to hear. This class was no different. The ED didn't mince words; everything she said was something that we needed to know. </span><div><font face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">When we were looking at agencies one of the negative reviews on ASC was that they "focus more on people other than the adoptive couple." This is completely true and the ED was open and honest on that. They care about the baby first (what is in the child's best interest), the birth mom second (does she know what she's doing and understand this is a forever decision) and us, </font><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">the adoptive parents third. Why are we last? They guarantee us that we will get the child we are meant to raise in the end, so they need to focus more on the others.</span></div><div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The class was less focused on how to pass our home visit (that's what we thought it would be), and instead more focused on what the next few months will look like. We talked about what happens when we get "the call" that tells us that we've been matched with a birth mother: how we may know a lot of information about her, or very little information. How we need to decide within 24 hours if we want to meet with her. How sometimes that call comes when she's just had her first positive pregnancy test, and how other times that call comes when the baby has just been born. (This is called a fall-in-your-lap placement, and it's the one thing that makes Steph most nervous in this whole process.) </span><br>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We talked about building a relationship with the birth mother, assuming we meet her several months before the birth. We discussed being at doctor appointments with her and being at the hospital during the birth of the baby. Basically, our level of involvement in everything is up to her. Some women like both people in the adoptive couple to be with her in the hospital, some women just like one person with them in the delivery room, and some women prefer we wait in the waiting room. Sorry to everyone else, we won't get family photos in the hospital because only the adoptive couple is allowed to be there, out of sensitivity to the birth mom. So grandmas-to-be, sorry, but you'll have to wait at the house with the two anxious wiener dogs.</span><br>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">During class, we talked about what openness looks like in most adoptions now. We discussed cards, letters, visits, and even private Snapfish accounts for the birth mother to see pictures of our child. We talked about what legal risks looks like, both with the birth mother and the birth father. We talked about insurance issues: who is responsible for the baby's medical care while in the hospital, how to handle the transition from a baby who may be covered under Medicaid with his/her birth mother to being covered under our private insurance, how to make sure our insurance understands that it is federal law that they cover that baby from the moment of birth as long as the adoption goes through. (Note: we've been fighting about this with our insurance a little bit, so it's nice to know that the laws are on our side!)</span><br>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We were given homework over our lunch break. The executive director gave us intake profiles of women who have placed with this agency in the past. Our instructions were to review the intake profiles and come up with any questions we would ask if our adoption coordinator called us to tell us that this was the woman who selected us. This homework was harder than it sounds. The intake forms were fairly comprehensive, and both of us are used to working in given parameters. I think we both assumed that if the agency had additional information, they would have given it in the form, rather than waiting for us to ask for it.</span><br>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">During the class, we also had the opportunity to talk with an adoptive couple and a birth mother. Hearing their stories was truly touching. The adoptive couple brought their son with them, and he made friends with all of us, crawling around the room and showing off by trying to walk. The emotion from the birth mother who we met was very touching. It was obvious how much she loves her daughter, how happy she is to see that the little girl's adoptive parents love her, too, and how hard the decision to make an adoption plan for her daughter was.</span><br>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Around dinnertime, the other two couples in our class who already had children were allowed to leave, and we were left with just the single woman and her mother. The evening session of class was called "Ready the Nest" and was only required for first-time parents. This part of class was designed to help us feel comfortable with newborn care and keep us updated on new safety regulations. We learned (or reviewed) how to swaddle, how to properly use a car seat, how to bottle feed, how to care for a circumcision, etc. </span><br>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Despite the length of the day (about 13.5 hours when all was said and done), it really was a great experience. I don't know that we walked away with a ton of new knowledge, but it really gave us the opportunity to process all the information that's been thrown at us since beginning this process. </span><br>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, what's next? Our home visit! This is a 2-3 hour visit with a social worker. She'll come to our home to make sure that it's a safe environment in which to raise a baby. We'll also sit with her to review our finances, our medical histories, our parenting philosophies, our plans for maternity/paternity leave, daycare options, etc. This is all scheduled for October 6th in the afternoon. We'll keep you all posted as to how it goes, but in the meantime, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers! I think we're both a little nervous about this next step.</span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-76961039579678098472015-08-06T17:12:00.001-07:002017-05-09T12:50:41.499-07:00"Where Are You With The Adoption?"<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It seems like we've been getting this question ever since we announced our plan to adopt back in January. This is understandable, since the process is quite long and varies between states and between agencies. Up until this point, there was no clear answer, since we hadn't officially begun the process.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Back in February, we announced that we had chosen to work with "Agency C," more commonly known as Adoption Support Center. (You can learn more about them <a href="http://www.adoptionsupportcenter.com/" target="_blank">here</a>.) Once we decided who we wanted to work with through this whole process, it was time to look at the fine details, also called the budget. Through ASC, our adoption will cost between $28,000-$40,000. Most of this money goes toward the attorneys, social workers, counselors, and other professionals that will help us and our birth mother through the next few months. The wide range in fees is due to us not knowing up front if the woman we will be matched with has medical coverage. If she has private insurance or is covered on Medicaid, we won't face many medical bills. However, if she does not have insurance, we could be responsible for some of her medical care. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's certainly a daunting task to try to find an extra $40,000 in our budget, so we decided to focus on simply getting through the home study. Once we have a completed home study on file, we become eligible to apply for adoption grants, as well as no- and low-interest loans. So, breaking out just the first few months, the portion of the adoption process that happens before the home study, the total fees fell from $40,000 to just about $10,000. While this was still a huge goal to accomplish, it was much more feasible to focus on just this portion.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are forever grateful for all of you who contributed to our <a href="http://www.gofundme.com/LittleLaskey" target="_blank">#BeardForBaby</a> campaign on Facebook and Twitter. With all of your support, we raised over $2,500, which in and of itself pays for the home study. By selling unused household items, squirreling away tax refunds, cutting our cable bill and cell phone bills, limiting our dining out to less than once a week, and depositing raises and bonuses directly into the baby's bank account, we have finally reached our goal of having $10,000 earmarked for the adoption!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, where are we with the adoption? We have officially signed on to partner with ASC. We have our intake meeting with them next week, Tuesday, August 11. At this meeting, we'll fill out a mountain of paperwork, write the agency a sizable check, and learn more details about what the coming months will hold for us. We already know that on Friday, September 11, we will have a full-day home study class at the agency. It's at this class that we will learn what we need to do to prepare ourselves and our home for the study. We will also attend a "ready the nest" class to help us, you know, ready our nest.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are so excited to "officially" begin the adoption process! It feels like it's been a long time coming, (eight months now of scrimping and saving, worrying and dreaming about how the next year or so will go, but who's counting). We still have many more months ahead of us, months filled with mountains of paperwork, bills, doctor appointments, and preparing our home for the visit, but also months filled with shopping for a crib, car seats, picking paint chips for the nursery, and with getting ready to bring Little Laskey home at last!</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-68864517522394270172015-07-06T11:03:00.003-07:002017-05-09T12:50:41.481-07:00"Erin"<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For those of you who live in Indianapolis, I'm sure you've heard of "Producer Will" and his wife's recent heartbreak. For those of you outside of Indiana, Will is the producer of a popular morning radio show. He and his wife, Adrienne, are in the process of adopting their first child. Recently, they had the heartbreaking experience that affects about 20% of all adoption plans: their birth mother changed her mind before she signed the papers. We were warned from the beginning that heartbreak is a part of the adoption process. Everyone tells you to not get too far ahead of yourself when you begin this process. I don't think either one of us thought it could happen before we even signed any paperwork, but inspired by Producer Will and Adrienne's courage to tell their story to all of Indianapolis, we'd like to share the next installment in our story with you:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It all started about two months ago. We were making a quick trip down to Kentucky to visit Brian's grandmother. Granny lives in the mountains, where cell phone service isn't always very reliable. We both had lost service for quite awhile, and when we picked it back up again, our phones started buzzing like crazy. We each had a text and email, and I had a voicemail, all from a friend saying she needed to talk with us soon about "an adoption related matter." Unsure of what this could possibly be, we quickly called her back.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Long story short, there was a friend of a friend (we'll call her Erin) who was pregnant and looking to make an adoption plan for her son. She actually had a plan in place with another couple, but they couldn't pass their home study, and the husband had gotten cold feet anyway. Erin was desperately trying to make an adoption plan for her son, knowing that she couldn't provide a steady life for him. Our friend wanted to know if we would be interested in possibly meeting with her and discussing a plan. We spent the rest of the weekend in Kentucky with Brian's family, and spending any time alone in our hotel room making lists of little boy names.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When we returned to Indianapolis, I reached out to an attorney that we know, probably one of the best adoption attorneys in the state of Indiana. She advised us on how to proceed. Because Erin was only about 8 weeks from her due date, time was a critical factor. Home studies take 2-3 months, and a baby cannot be placed in a home without a completed home study. However, if we could find a licensed agency to be legally responsible, we could basically foster this baby, then sign the appropriate adoption paperwork upon completion of our home study. Luckily for us, this attorney not only operates an adoption law practice, but an adoption agency as well. They do mostly international placements, but her agency could serve as our placing agency until the home study was complete. Bonus news: Not needing to pay an agency for advertisement and placement fees could save us close to $15,000 in this process. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So we began preparing. We started organizing closets, moving furniture, and cleaning the house in preparation for our home study. We created an email address that didn't include our last name. We went to WalMart on Easter Sunday to buy a cheap, disposable cell phone, since the attorney had cautioned us to not use our "real" cell numbers or email addresses. (Let me repeat that sentence: My husband, a Target employee and perhaps the world's most loyal Target shopper, went to WalMart to help prepare for this baby!) We created a short photo book of us, something to show this woman the kind of people we are, the kind of lives we lead.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our friend had dinner with Erin, and we received a text on the cell phone (which we have taken to calling "the baby's phone") shortly thereafter. Erin liked what our friend said about us, and she was interested in meeting us. We arranged a date and time to meet for dinner, at a restaurant near Erin's home. A few hours before we were to meet, Erin texted, saying that she felt ill and asking to reschedule.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We sent several options for a reschedule date to Erin, but didn't hear back right away. One of us always had the baby's phone with us, and we checked it compulsively. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One evening, while Brian was at work, the baby's phone beeped with an incoming text message. It was Erin. "Would you consider yourselves empathetic?" she asked. "Yes, I would say that we are," I replied. I anxiously checked the phone for the rest of the night, but no other communication came through.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No further messages came through for almost a week. We were approaching a state of panic. By this point, Erin was only about 6 weeks from her due date, and we knew there was a lot of work to be done in a very short period of time in order to make this work. About a week after the empathy discussion, I had to travel for work. I happened to have the baby's phone with me while on the trip. I was in my hotel room, getting ready for dinner with coworkers, when the baby's phone beeped again. I had to read the message several times before its meaning sunk in:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I am going to officially decline meeting you both. Bye."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Simple, short, direct. I didn't know what to say in response. A thousand questions came to mind. What had we said or done that caused Erin to reject us before she even met us? Had she found someone else? Was she not moving forward with any adoption plan? I finally texted back, "I'm sorry if we said something that offended you. We wish you nothing but the best."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We don't know what Erin's new plan is. In the process of grieving for this little boy, we have found comfort for ourselves, knowing that, whether it takes two months or two years, we are going to walk away from this process with a baby, with our baby. We have the luxury of time. Erin doesn't have that luxury. As I type this, Erin's due date was about 2 weeks ago. Every day, I pray for Erin, for her son. Even never having met Erin, never having seen her son, we know we loved him in our own way as we prepared to be his parents.</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-81556828330769774102015-04-16T08:17:00.001-07:002017-05-09T12:50:41.510-07:00It's not JUST DNA...<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">First let me say this. I never expected the out pouring of support that my #<a href="http://www.gofundme.com/littlelaskey" target="_blank">BeardForBaby campaign </a>has brought. From elementary and high school friends, to old roommates, coworkers, bosses, and even random strangers, we have learned very quickly that we have so many people rooting us on and wanting us to be successful in this adoption process. For that, we will NEVER be able to say THANK YOU enough!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Throughout this campaign, we have been asked many questions about the process, about our decision to adopt, and even about our fertility status (and if that isn't an awkward topic, I'm not sure what is), but what I hear the most isn't a question. It's the statement "Wow! You're such a strong man to raise a child that isn't yours."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, if you're someone who has made that comment to me, please know, I'm not offended. I can understand why you would think that way. I mean this child will not have one ounce of my blood, not one gene of my DNA, but DNA isn't what makes a family.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is something I've known my whole life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you've known me long enough, you'll know that I talk about my sisters and brother, but you'll also know that I am an only child. I was blessed to have two "sisters" and a "brother" come into my life when I was young, and another "sister" joined our crazy group a few years ago. Before I even started kindergarten, my mom was nannying for a six-week old named Cera. She was the daughter of a friend and we would grow up together. We would play, we would fight, I would push her over, or push her on a swing. The only difference was we didn't sleep under the same roof.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A few years later, Jimmy would come along. Biologically, he's Cera's brother, but to me, he's my baby brother too. I would play Ninja Turtles with him and go to his hockey games to cheer him on. We would play basketball in the yard and go to the movies.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Samantha came next and like all babies, she was spoiled from the start. I sat through her dance recitals, took her for Slurpees, and gave her all the things that her mom said "no" to.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A few years ago, Katherine was born, and while I've not been able to be as active in her life, I see it much like how an older brother is with a much younger sibling. Stephanie and I send her packages, mostly consisting of toys that will drive her mom crazy.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So while my mom only gave birth to one child, I have four siblings that I couldn't love more.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I threatened Cera's now-husband when they started dating, I cried at her wedding, and I cried when she gave birth to both of my nephews. (Disclaimer: I fully plan on crying my eyes out when my first niece comes in a few weeks.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I tied a yellow ribbon when Jimmy deployed with the Army, prayed every night that he would return safely, and I celebrated when he did.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I dried Samantha's eyes when boys hurt her and sit anxiously to see what the future holds for her.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I laugh everyday at the new story I hear from Katherine and her love for Ninja Turtles (now I'm on a mission to make Raphael her favorite, too).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All humans are 99.5% similar biochemically. So you see, I can over look that 0.5% and know that no matter what, it is that Love Makes A Family.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">~Brian</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Help bring Little Laskey home. Support #BeardForBaby and donate at <a href="http://www.gofundme.com/littlelaskey">www.gofundme.com/littlelaskey</a></span><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-40848254162919976082015-03-24T10:47:00.003-07:002017-05-09T12:50:41.467-07:00Why the beard? I want a baby!Why the beard? I've been hearing this question A LOT lately. The answer is quite simple. I really want a baby.<br />
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Now I know you must be sitting there scratching your head and trying to figure out how my growing a beard might connect to a baby. It is a fun story actually.<br />
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When I turned 29 this year, Stephanie (my beautiful wife) made me an awesome gift, "30 Things To Do Before 30." One of the items in there was to grow a beard. I have always wanted to see if I could, and she's always been opposed to it, so she finally gave in.<br />
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I started growing my beard on February 18 (Ash Wednesday) and planned on keeping it through Easter Sunday. Well...four weeks in I knew I hated it! I hated it, Steph hated it, no use in keeping it any longer. I mentioned to a friend how we both despised the beard and how I was going to shave it off.<br />
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Now as any good friend would do, he gave me $20 to keep it another week, just so he could watch me suffer. He wanted to see if I could get that "Grizzly Adams" look. I accepted because, hey, $20 is $20. When I told Stephanie about it she agreed that another week couldn't hurt and the $20 would go right into our adoption account (where every cent that doesn't keep the roof up or lights on goes now).<br />
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That night it dawned on us. If ONE friend enjoys our suffering, maybe more will too. So the challenge has been made.<br />
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For every day that someone donates ANYTHING to our <a href="http://www.gofundme.com/littlelaskey" target="_blank">GoFundMe</a>, I won't shave. It's as simple as that. <i>I will just have to keep myself business presentable, otherwise we'll be asking for donations because I'm out of work.</i><br />
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Additionally, as with any donation, we'd still love for you to send your family photo so we can add it to the collage we're making for Little Laskey, showing him/her how many people loved them from the start and helped make us a family.<br />
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So if you have a few extra bucks and want to see me look like a fool, or if you just want to see me act like a fool when I finally get to hold my baby please consider donating.<br />
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~Brian<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-56612754434478496512015-02-21T13:07:00.001-08:002017-05-09T12:50:41.477-07:00A Tale of Three Agencies<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's been a little while since we've last updated the blog, and we've been busy going to informational sessions from different agencies to try to determine who we'd like to work with throughout this process. We have done a lot of research online, talked to friends of friends who have adopted, and ultimately met with three different agencies to see if they would be a good fit for us. We recognize that not everyone will have the same experience with these agencies, so we are not going to identify them by name. So here you have it, our experience with three different Indianapolis-area adoption agencies:</span><br />
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<strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">Agency A</span></strong><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">We actually met with Agency A before Christmas, before we announced our adoption plans to our families. We were very hopeful that this agency would work out, since we know several couple who have adopted with them. The information session started off well, with the social workers talking about wanting to make the process as painless as possible for everyone involved. They described the wonderful experience so many of their couples have gone through, their relatively short wait times for a match, and their experience both domestically and internationally. Unfortunately, things took a rather ugly turn when they were discussing the home-study process. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">The social workers leading the discussion began to talk about the incredibly invasive questions that agencies ask during a home-study process (which we knew to expect, by the way). At one point, however, the social worker called on the men in attendance, saying, "We are going to ask you gentlemen if you have ever viewed pornography, and if so, you'll need a statement from your therapist saying you have overcome this affliction." From singling out the men in the audience to insinuating that a single viewing of pornography is equivalent to the addictions that people struggle with, there are so many things offensive about that statement!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Assuming she was making a (failed) attempt at humor, we continued to listen to the session. Next on the agenda was a discussion of the quality of counseling provided to the expectant mothers who work with Agency A. Sounds wonderful, right? I love that these women are being counseled so thoroughly through what has to be the biggest decision of their lives. The only downside was that during this discussion, the social workers admitted to having a higher-than-average fall-through rate. A fall-through, particularly the awful, heart-breaking ones that happen after the birth of the child, is every adoptive parent's worst nightmare. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Ok, inappropriate, sexist jokes aside, looking past high fall-through rates, assuming that those women were making the best choice possible for their child, the social workers at Agency A put their feet in their mouths one more time when they were talking about the post-placement home visit. About a week after the baby is placed in our home, the social workers come to make sure everything is going well. Describing this process, the Agency A social workers said, "When we come to do the post-placement visit, we don't expect you to love that child, and if you say you do, I'll think you're lying. It's not your child, after all, and how can you possibly love someone else's child?" </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">We left that information session feeling incredibly defeated and unsure of whether we or not we were making the right decision.</span><br />
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<strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">Agency B</span></strong><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">We went to an information session at Agency B shortly after the disastrous session at Agency A. What a difference! The social worker at Agency B was caring, sensitive, and didn't make inappropriate jokes at the expense of the men in the room! She had everyone take time to introduce themselves, and she wanted to hear about other agencies we had all been researching. Throughout the course of the presentation, she would reference the other agencies and help each couple weigh some of the pros and cons between Agency B and the other agencies we all had met with. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">We loved that Agency B provides excellent counseling to the expectant mothers (up to 25 hours in fact!). However, their fall-through rate was very low; the social worker explained that they reflect back to the birth mothers everything they had discussed in their counseling after the baby is born, so that she is reassured that she is making the right decision. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">The biggest downside to Agency B is that the adoptive parents are expected to actively search for expectant mothers to be matched with. We were unsure how we felt about this, but we were open to learning more if everything else about Agency B worked out.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">We left Agency B feeling reassured, and more importantly, our excitement to start the process was reignited. We felt confident that we were making the right decision. We knew that Agency B would be great to work with, and so we decided to tell our family and friends that we were beginning the process of adopting. We were not positive that we would work with Agency B, but we knew that we liked them enough to move forward with them, and thus with the process.</span><br />
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<strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">Agency C</span></strong><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">We just met with Agency C earlier this week. We went into the information session knowing that they had to really impress us, in order to beat out Agency B as our agency of choice. The staff at Agency C was friendly, and they had a lot of personal experience as adoptive parents. We felt immediately put at ease with the informal environment and casual way the information was presented. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Agency C has incredible ratings, and possibly most telling of all, many repeat adoptive parents. We actually met a couple at the Agency B session who had used Agency C to adopt their son, and they had nothing but positive things to say. They were looking at different agencies this time around because, due to their age, they felt Agency C was no longer the best match. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Agency C is a relatively young agency (about 30 years, which is young when you compare it to agencies like Bethany Christian, Lutheran Family Services, etc. which have all been around for a hundred years). However, in their short history, they have placed 6,000 babies with adoptive parents. They have some of the shortest wait times among the agencies we met with. Agency C matches the expectant mother with the adoptive parents, which was a big pro over Agency B. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Agency C provides excellent support to their expectant mothers. They do their best to make sure that the living expenses the expectant mothers are entitled to are distributed fairly before and after the birth of the baby. They do this to make sure that she is taken care of, even after she has placed her baby with the adoptive parents. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Agency C also opened our eyes to the benefits of a more open adoption. We started this process knowing that closed adoptions in the United States are a thing of the past. We knew we would be exchanging cards, letters, and photos with our child's birth mother for years to come. Agency C helped us understand the benefits for our child of a more open situation, including visits, trips to the zoo and Children's Museum, etc. It took a few days of reflection for both of us to really understand and be comfortable with this. In the long run, though, we know the benefits that come from allowing our child to know their birth mother.</span><br />
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<strong><span style="font-family: Arial;">The Winner Is...</span></strong><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">After a lot of thought, prayer, and discussion, we are very excited to announce that we will be beginning our adoption process with Agency C, also known as Adoption Support Center. You can learn more about ASC <a href="http://www.adoptionsupportcenter.org/" target="_blank">here.</a> We are excited to start the process, and know that we are making the right decision for us. Agency B was an awesome group to meet with, but in the end, the timeline of ASC fits what we're looking for. We also really like that they help coordinate the match between us and the birth mother, and help us figure out a relationship plan with her that we are all comfortable with in the long term.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">We are very excited to share our thoughts and decision with you all! You will all be such a big part of Little Laskey's life, and ultimately a huge part of our journey to become a family!</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06724629523956489601noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3904924171557277336.post-7331267169226338322014-12-31T20:13:00.000-08:002017-05-09T12:50:41.489-07:00The Adventure Begins<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Welcome to our adoption story! We are so excited to share our journey to creating our family with all of our family and friends. At this point, there are probably more questions than answers, so this first post will take a stab at answering some of those questions that we're sure you all have.</span><br />
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<b>Why adoption?</b></span><br />
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This is probably the question on most of your minds. We are choosing to adopt for several reasons, but they all boil down to having tons of love that we want to share with a child(ren). We have both been blessed to work with an amazing organization since we moved to Indiana called HOPE for Families (previously the Indiana Collaboration for Families with Infertility). We have both served on the Board of Directors and have worked on the HOPE Health Fair and fundraisers over the last 4 years or so. One of the biggest blessings of working with this organization has been that we have had the opportunity to have some difficult conversations before we knew if we'd need to consider assistance achieving pregnancy or adoption. We want to make it very clear: We recognize that we have several risk factors for infertility between us, but we have never undergone testing to confirm our fertility status. We decided that we did not want to introduce any blame into our relationship (either blaming each other or ourselves). We have seen amazing families grow in all different ways, and this is simply the way we are choosing to grow our family at this time.</span><br />
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We aren't sure yet. At this point, we have not decided which agency we will be working with. We have met with several agencies, and have several more meetings lined up after the start of 2015. Each agency offers different options and programs, so once we choose who we are working with, we will choose the program within that agency that is the right fit for us. That being said, we are open to either option, and to many different countries and ages.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What about that horror story I heard about (insert here)? Aren't you worried about that?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Many fears about adoption come from misinformation, usually perpetuated by Hollywood for the sake of a good story. The birth mother swooping in to "steal her baby back," the awful medical conditions international children are plagued with, the list goes on and on. Indiana is actually a very adoption-friendly state. Yes, there are risks with both domestic and international options. We can only work with our adoption team to minimize those risks as best we can. But, really, aren't there risks no matter how people choose to build their families? </span></div>
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<b>What does the process look like?</b></span></div>
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Each agency operates a little bit differently, so we will be able to answer this question better once we decide on an agency and a program. However, all programs have a few similar components. Once we decide on an agency to work with, we will undergo a home study and usually some educational classes. Once we have a completed home study on file, it's a bit of a waiting game to get matched with either a waiting child (in the case of international adoption) or an expectant mother (in the case of domestic infant adoption). </span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Why does it cost so much to adopt a child?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There's no denying that adoption is a lengthy, costly process. The money that we pay will go to the social workers, lawyers, and other professionals who will help us through this process. As we move through this process, we hope to be able to rely on the federal adoption tax credit to help reimburse for some of the expenses. We are also so grateful that Brian works for an adoption-friendly company that provides some financial assistance to reimburse for approved adoption-related costs (yay Target!). We will also be applying for several family building grants. And, Mom and Dad, don't be surprised if we just ask for cash for the next few birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmases!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>What can I do to help?</b></span></div>
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First of all, thanks for asking! One thing you can do is educate yourself about the adoption process and positive adoption language. We are learning a lot through this process, and would love if those closest to us learn along with us! There are several great resources online about using positive adoption language, like <a href="http://www.parents.com/parenting/adoption/parenting/positive-adoption-language/" target="_blank">this one</a>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Above, we mentioned the federal adoption tax cedit. Please educate yourself about this program designed to reimburse families pursuing adoption through a tax rebate. The future of this tax credit has been insecure lately, for various politial reasons. Regardless of how you vote, we would love for you to let your representatives know how important this tax credit is to families like us. We hope that we can continue to rely on this tax credit to help fund our adoption process.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Check out our GoFundMe <a href="http://www.gofundme.com/jge1pc" target="_blank">here</a>. It's beyond uncomfortable to ask our family and friends for money, but Brian assures me that no speech is complete without an ask (thank you, masters of non-profit management degree). We are asking anyone who contributes to our fund to also send us an electronic picture of your family. We plan to create a photo collage saying "Love Makes a Family" of all of those images to hang in Little Laskey's room and show him or her how many people helped to bring them home to us.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">More than anything, though, the things we need most are love, support, and prayers from our family and friends. We know that this is going to be a long, emotional process, and the more people we have supporting us, the easier it will be for us.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thank you all for sharing in our excitement! Please be open with your qustions; we know there will be many. We are thrilled to begin this process with so many wonderful people in our corner.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Love,</span></div>
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