It's been a little while since we've last updated the blog, and we've been busy going to informational sessions from different agencies to try to determine who we'd like to work with throughout this process. We have done a lot of research online, talked to friends of friends who have adopted, and ultimately met with three different agencies to see if they would be a good fit for us. We recognize that not everyone will have the same experience with these agencies, so we are not going to identify them by name. So here you have it, our experience with three different Indianapolis-area adoption agencies:
Agency A
We actually met with Agency A before Christmas, before we announced our adoption plans to our families. We were very hopeful that this agency would work out, since we know several couple who have adopted with them. The information session started off well, with the social workers talking about wanting to make the process as painless as possible for everyone involved. They described the wonderful experience so many of their couples have gone through, their relatively short wait times for a match, and their experience both domestically and internationally. Unfortunately, things took a rather ugly turn when they were discussing the home-study process.
The social workers leading the discussion began to talk about the incredibly invasive questions that agencies ask during a home-study process (which we knew to expect, by the way). At one point, however, the social worker called on the men in attendance, saying, "We are going to ask you gentlemen if you have ever viewed pornography, and if so, you'll need a statement from your therapist saying you have overcome this affliction." From singling out the men in the audience to insinuating that a single viewing of pornography is equivalent to the addictions that people struggle with, there are so many things offensive about that statement!
Assuming she was making a (failed) attempt at humor, we continued to listen to the session. Next on the agenda was a discussion of the quality of counseling provided to the expectant mothers who work with Agency A. Sounds wonderful, right? I love that these women are being counseled so thoroughly through what has to be the biggest decision of their lives. The only downside was that during this discussion, the social workers admitted to having a higher-than-average fall-through rate. A fall-through, particularly the awful, heart-breaking ones that happen after the birth of the child, is every adoptive parent's worst nightmare.
Ok, inappropriate, sexist jokes aside, looking past high fall-through rates, assuming that those women were making the best choice possible for their child, the social workers at Agency A put their feet in their mouths one more time when they were talking about the post-placement home visit. About a week after the baby is placed in our home, the social workers come to make sure everything is going well. Describing this process, the Agency A social workers said, "When we come to do the post-placement visit, we don't expect you to love that child, and if you say you do, I'll think you're lying. It's not your child, after all, and how can you possibly love someone else's child?"
We left that information session feeling incredibly defeated and unsure of whether we or not we were making the right decision.
Agency B
We went to an information session at Agency B shortly after the disastrous session at Agency A. What a difference! The social worker at Agency B was caring, sensitive, and didn't make inappropriate jokes at the expense of the men in the room! She had everyone take time to introduce themselves, and she wanted to hear about other agencies we had all been researching. Throughout the course of the presentation, she would reference the other agencies and help each couple weigh some of the pros and cons between Agency B and the other agencies we all had met with.
We loved that Agency B provides excellent counseling to the expectant mothers (up to 25 hours in fact!). However, their fall-through rate was very low; the social worker explained that they reflect back to the birth mothers everything they had discussed in their counseling after the baby is born, so that she is reassured that she is making the right decision.
The biggest downside to Agency B is that the adoptive parents are expected to actively search for expectant mothers to be matched with. We were unsure how we felt about this, but we were open to learning more if everything else about Agency B worked out.
We left Agency B feeling reassured, and more importantly, our excitement to start the process was reignited. We felt confident that we were making the right decision. We knew that Agency B would be great to work with, and so we decided to tell our family and friends that we were beginning the process of adopting. We were not positive that we would work with Agency B, but we knew that we liked them enough to move forward with them, and thus with the process.
Agency C
We just met with Agency C earlier this week. We went into the information session knowing that they had to really impress us, in order to beat out Agency B as our agency of choice. The staff at Agency C was friendly, and they had a lot of personal experience as adoptive parents. We felt immediately put at ease with the informal environment and casual way the information was presented.
Agency C has incredible ratings, and possibly most telling of all, many repeat adoptive parents. We actually met a couple at the Agency B session who had used Agency C to adopt their son, and they had nothing but positive things to say. They were looking at different agencies this time around because, due to their age, they felt Agency C was no longer the best match.
Agency C is a relatively young agency (about 30 years, which is young when you compare it to agencies like Bethany Christian, Lutheran Family Services, etc. which have all been around for a hundred years). However, in their short history, they have placed 6,000 babies with adoptive parents. They have some of the shortest wait times among the agencies we met with. Agency C matches the expectant mother with the adoptive parents, which was a big pro over Agency B.
Agency C provides excellent support to their expectant mothers. They do their best to make sure that the living expenses the expectant mothers are entitled to are distributed fairly before and after the birth of the baby. They do this to make sure that she is taken care of, even after she has placed her baby with the adoptive parents.
Agency C also opened our eyes to the benefits of a more open adoption. We started this process knowing that closed adoptions in the United States are a thing of the past. We knew we would be exchanging cards, letters, and photos with our child's birth mother for years to come. Agency C helped us understand the benefits for our child of a more open situation, including visits, trips to the zoo and Children's Museum, etc. It took a few days of reflection for both of us to really understand and be comfortable with this. In the long run, though, we know the benefits that come from allowing our child to know their birth mother.
The Winner Is...
After a lot of thought, prayer, and discussion, we are very excited to announce that we will be beginning our adoption process with Agency C, also known as Adoption Support Center. You can learn more about ASC here. We are excited to start the process, and know that we are making the right decision for us. Agency B was an awesome group to meet with, but in the end, the timeline of ASC fits what we're looking for. We also really like that they help coordinate the match between us and the birth mother, and help us figure out a relationship plan with her that we are all comfortable with in the long term.
We are very excited to share our thoughts and decision with you all! You will all be such a big part of Little Laskey's life, and ultimately a huge part of our journey to become a family!
