Looking Back, Looking Forward

Happy (slightly belated) New Year, everyone! It's hard to believe that just over a year ago, we told you all that we'd begun the adventure to build our family through adoption. What a year it's been! We hit a low point a few days before Christmas this year, thinking about how long it's been, and feeling like we had made very little progress. We lamented, "It's been a year and we aren't even being advertised to birth mothers yet!"  Upon further reflection, however, we realized how far we've come in such a short period of time. So, this post will serve as a sort of recap of our adoption journey through 2015, with a little taste of what 2016 may have in store for us.

In November of 2014, we decided to begin the adoption journey. We had both been thinking privately about how right it felt to grow our family this way, but we had not discussed it with one another. Our nephews came to visit for my birthday, and watching Brian interact with them (frosting sugar cookies to look like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) was really what cemented the idea in my mind that it was time to have the discussion. The kids were leaving the next day, so we had planned a dinner out for my birthday after they left. We hugged our sister and brother-in-law goodbye, gave both the kids kisses and promises to see them soon, and left each other with a "there's something I want to talk about at dinner tonight" before heading to work. Over dinner, we talked at length about both of our hopes for our family, and we decided that we were both ready to begin this process.

In late November and early December 2014, we began meeting with adoption agencies. We had decided that we were not going to announce the news to anyone until we found an agency we were comfortable with, one that we knew would someday unite us with our child. We went on several agency interviews (you can review that process in our "Tale of Three Agencies" post), and found one agency that we were comfortable with. It was time to move forward and begin telling people of our plans! We told our families over Christmas. We had ornaments personalized for each of our parents and my grandmother. The ornaments had two snowmen holding a baby snowman. We had someone write "We're Adopting!" on the ornaments, and gave them as gifts. I think my grandma, Nana, had the best response to opening her ornament. Nana was 87 last Christmas, and as she was opening the ornament, I casually asked if she would be able to read what it said without her glasses. She assured me she was fine. Once she got it open, she looked at it and proudly read "We're Adorable!" I assured her that yes, we are adorable, but that wasn't what the ornament said, and she should read it again. 

Once our families knew, it was time to tell the rest of the world. We announced to all of you via Facebook, Twitter, and this blog on New Year's Day 2015. We were overwhelmed by the incredible support, encouragement, and congratulations that you all offered. We truly believe we have the best support system in our family, friends, and coworkers.

We went on one more agency interview in February of 2015. This was ultimately the agency we decided to work with, and we couldn't be happier with how things have gone with them over the past few months. We didn't activate with them right away, since we knew that we didn't want to begin the process until we were financially able to complete it. Neither of us wanted to incur debt through this process. So, we spent the first half of 2015 raising money to pay for the first round of expenses that come with adoption: agency fees, home study fees, advertising fees, etc. Throughout 2015, we cut back financially to throw as much money as we could into our adoption savings as possible. We also fundraised, and through many people's very generous support, eventually had enough stashed away to pay the first round of fees, totaling about $10,000.  My favorite fundraiser during that time was the beard that Brian grew. I couldn't decide how I felt about our friends during that one: so many of you gave so generously, for which I am forever grateful. On the other hand, I can't help but think that at least a few of you took a small amount of pleasure in seeing just how much we HATED that beard and HATED that we needed to keep it around day after day!

In August of 2015, we had enough money set aside to make it through the first round of fees, so we emailed the agency to see what our next steps would be. Things started happening very quickly from that point. We attended our (13 hour!) home study class in mid-September. We spent two weekends filling out the mountain of paperwork that comes along with a home study. We had our home study visit in early October, and got a draft of the profile book that the agency will use to advertise us to birth mothers in mid-October. All of this was happening as we spent a week in Washington, D.C. to celebrate my little brother getting married and a week in Las Vegas to celebrate Brian's 30th birthday. Fall 2015 was a very busy time in our home!  Our home study was approved by the agency committee and their licensing agent in November 2015, and is ready to be sent to the judge after we make a few revisions to it.

We anticipate the judge receiving our home study draft in early February 2016. Once he or she approves it and we have the full placement fee in our savings (another $10,000) we can begin being advertised to birth mothers. We are well on our way to that next funding goal, thanks to very frugal living over the last few months and another successful fundraiser. I sold letters from Santa to children in November and December 2015. That fundraiser was so much fun for me to do, as I had the opportunity to get a peek into so many wonderful people's lives. Over 40 letters went to 5 states and 2 countries, with recipients ranging in age from 6 months to 60+ years. We are trying to time the approval of our home study with our having that final fee in our account. We have one more fundraiser planned for January 2016: football squares for the Super Bowl. Be on the lookout from Brian about how to get involved! Then, in February, we're going on a spending hiatus. We're nicknaming our final push "Frugal February," and other than paying our bills and filling our cars with gas, we plan on spending no other money during the month. The idea spawned from a "No Spend November" challenge that I saw on Pinterest, intended to help people save for holiday shopping without incurring debt. 

With any luck, our profile book will begin to be shown to potential birth mothers sometime in March or early April 2016. From there, our agency's goal is to have us placed with a child within 12 months. Their average is 9 months. We are praying that, by this time next year, one of us will be updating this blog with reflections of how busy 2016 was, while the other rocks our baby to sleep.

Home Study Update

Hello friends!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! We had a great day. My in-laws were in town, and despite  a minor turkey mix-up, Brian did an awesome job cooking a big, traditional Thanksgiving dinner.

We always have much to be thankful for, but this year, we had something extra to give thanks for. We got word that our homestudy had passed through the agency and their licensing agent! This means we are one step closer to being officially "paper pregnant." Once we approve the draft of the homestudy, our agency will pass it along to the judge for final approval. At that point, we are offically just waiting.

Once the judge approves our homestudy, the agency can begin showing our profile book to potential birth mothers. They strongly recommend, however, that we have our full placement fee in our savings account before they start showing our biography. This is so that we know that we can cover that final amount (due 2 weeks before she is due, or immediately in the case of a fall-in-your-lap adoption) without going into debt. While this makes sense to us, it's tough to feel like we're legally approved but waiting without being "advertised." 

So, while we wait, we'll keep busy. Through a very generous boss and board of directors, I have some unexpected time off work around Christmas, which I'll mostly be spending writing adoption grants, hoping to get some funding that way. I'm also writing personalized letters from Santa for kids that parents, grandparents, and others can order as a Christmas gift (see an example below). Be sure to order one today here. Better yet, order tomorrow (Monday) and take advantage of my Cyber Monday deal...$4 per letter or 2 for $7 (discounted from $5/letter). I'm also hosting a booth at a local craft fair on Saturday to display the letters and hopefully collect some more orders.

Big thanks go out to Kristi, Cera, Cassy, Kim, and Erin who have already ordered letters for their little ones! Additional thanks go out to all of our faithful blog readers, and all of our family and friends who have been so wonderful and supportive through this whole process. We took a huge step forward by having this homestudy approved, and are excited to keep working to keep the process moving!

Different Trips to the Same Place

They say the waiting is the hardest part of adoption. It's certainly a hurry-up-and-wait kind of process. Hurry up and get all the paperwork completed, then wait for your home visit. Hurry up and get the house cleaned, then meet the social worker. Hurry up and finalize the paperwork for the home study, then wait for different groups of people to approve it. That's where we are right now. Our home study paperwork is in the hands of our agency. It will (hopefully) soon make its way to the licensing agent, then the judge. These folks have to approve it, then it's a hurry-up-and-wait for a birth mother to like our biography book. We'll keep everyone posted as we move along, but in the meantime, we thought we'd share with you something that the director of our agency shared with us during our home study class back in September. We found it very touching:

Different Trips to the Same Place
Author Unknown

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place; you've read many guidebooks and feel certain that you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip. 

So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there's no seat for you; you'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait---and wait---and wait. Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax. You'll get on a flight soon." 

After a long time, the ticket agent tells you, I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat. "By BOAT!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than by air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat. 

It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip. Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. 

It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air. People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are only able to travel once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy."

You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know you are blessed with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not the way you get there, but in the place itself.

Home Visit

So, today was the day the social worker visited our house. I've been stressing about this day from the beginning of this process. Everyone we know who has adopted told us that the home visit isn't nearly as bad as people make it out to be. There's just something nerve-wracking, though, about someone coming into your home to judge it...and YOU...to determine if this is a good place to raise a child.

We spent the last 3 days cleaning the house from top to bottom. Our house is certainly not dirty, but it is lived in...it looks like there are two people and two weiner dogs living in it! Dishes sometimes live in the sink for a day or two before they make it to the dishwasher, our living room is littered with dog toys, and we've been known to have stray socks left on the floor of the bedroom.  Not today! The house almost looks more like a show home than a lived-in home. All the throw blankets are folded neatly on the couch and ottoman, the guest room isn't storing an assortment of off-season clothing strewn across the bed, and the office (which also serves as the dogs' bedroom) is cleaner than the day we moved in.

The social worker from our adoption agency showed up around 4pm, for what we assumed would be a 2 hour meeting or so. (That's what all the paperwork said.) She sat with us in the living room and did the "interview" part of the visit first. In this interview, she asked us basic biographical questions (dates of birth and marriage, number of siblings, parents' occupations, etcc.) as well as questions that probed deeper (what our childhoods were like, what our relationships with our siblings are like, why we decided to start dating each other, and ultimately why we decided to marry each other).  We had to talk about how we think our lives will change when we get a baby, how we plan to discipline our child, why we each thought the other person would be a good parent, and why we want to be parents in the first place.  We had to describe our infertility status for the third time with this agency (in short: 5 years married, no baby, but no tests to determine why).

The interview portion of the visit lasted just about an hour. Then it was time for the tour. The social worker checked to make sure that we had a smoke detector within 10 feet of each bedroom door (easy to comply with, since that's what our apartment management company needs to comply with their insurance policy), a fire extinguisher and carbon monoxide detector on each floor of the house, and a room separate from ours for the baby (we will be converting our guest room).  If we had weapons or a pool (we have neither), she woulld have also checked to make sure that we were takig proper precautions to secure those.  The social worker looked in each room of the house, but moved quickly through the tour. All in all, she only took about 15 minutes to check our home. 

Overall, it was a stressful day or two leading up to our visit, but I have to agree with others who say that the actual visit wasn't nearly as bad as I had worked it up to be in my head. From here, we each have  to have a physical. Once that paperwork is in our agency's hands, the social worker will draft our home study document. We wil review the document, then the agency staff reviews it to make sure we pass. It is then submtted to the state of Indiana for review as a petition to adopt. Once it is submitted to the state, the agency wil begin showing our biography book to potential birth mothers.

Thank yuo all for the incredible outporing of love, prayers, good thoughts, and well wishes during this entire process. You all have no idea how amazing it is to know that we have so many people supporting us through this long, emotional process.

Love, Stephanie

P.S. I've hard from some folks that they "stalk" the blog almost daily...We'll try to be better at updating more regularly!! 

Home Study Class

Last week Friday was our home study class. This was a 13-hour-long class at our adoption agency designed to help us better understand the home study process, get to meet an adoptive couple and birth mom, and help us feel more prepared for the next steps in this process.

We dropped the dogs off at the vet to spend the day, and headed to the agency. Our agency is located about 10 miles from our home, in a cute little neighborhood. It's in a house that's been converted into offices, with a finished garage where they host special events like information sessions, home study classes, and visits between the adoptive couple and birth mothers.

There were eight people in our home study class: us (first child, first adoption), a couple who has a 9 month old son who they adopted through this same agency (second child, second adoption), a couple who has a 4 year old biological daughter and experienced secondary infertility (second child, first adoption), and a single woman who had her mother there as her support (first child, first adoption). It was such a great mix of people and experiences; we were able to learn something from everyone in the room.

The executive director of the agency ran most of the class. One thing we both appreciate about the agency we're working with is that they tell us what we NEED to hear, even when that is different from what we WANT to hear. This class was no different. The ED didn't mince words; everything she said was something that we needed to know. 

When we were looking at agencies one of the negative reviews on ASC was that they "focus more on people other than the adoptive couple." This is completely true and the ED was open and honest on that. They care about the baby first (what is in the child's best interest), the birth mom second (does she know what she's doing and understand this is a forever decision) and us, the adoptive parents third. Why are we last? They guarantee us that we will get the child we are meant to raise in the end, so they need to focus more on the others.

The class was less focused on how to pass our home visit (that's what we thought it would be), and instead more focused on what the next few months will look like. We talked about what happens when we get "the call" that tells us that we've been matched with a birth mother: how we may know a lot of information about her, or very little information. How we need to decide within 24 hours if we want to meet with her. How sometimes that call comes when she's just had her first positive pregnancy test, and how other times that call comes when the baby has just been born. (This is called a fall-in-your-lap placement, and it's the one thing that makes Steph most nervous in this whole process.) 

We talked about building a relationship with the birth mother, assuming we meet her several months before the birth. We discussed being at doctor appointments with her and being at the hospital during the birth of the baby. Basically, our level of involvement in everything is up to her. Some women like both people in the adoptive couple to be with her in the hospital, some women just like one person with them in the delivery room, and some women prefer we wait in the waiting room. Sorry to everyone else, we won't get family photos in the hospital because only the adoptive couple is allowed to be there, out of sensitivity to the birth mom. So grandmas-to-be, sorry, but you'll have to wait at the house with the two anxious wiener dogs.

During class, we talked about what openness looks like in most adoptions now. We discussed cards, letters, visits, and even private Snapfish accounts for the birth mother to see pictures of our child. We talked about what legal risks looks like, both with the birth mother and the birth father. We talked about insurance issues: who is responsible for the baby's medical care while in the hospital, how to handle the transition from a baby who may be covered under Medicaid with his/her birth mother to being covered under our private insurance, how to make sure our insurance understands that it is federal law that they cover that baby from the moment of birth as long as the adoption goes through. (Note: we've been fighting about this with our insurance a little bit, so it's nice to know that the laws are on our side!)

We were given homework over our lunch break. The executive director gave us intake profiles of women who have placed with this agency in the past. Our instructions were to review the intake profiles and come up with any questions we would ask if our adoption coordinator called us to tell us that this was the woman who selected us. This homework was harder than it sounds. The intake forms were fairly comprehensive, and both of us are used to working in given parameters. I think we both assumed that if the agency had additional information, they would have given it in the form, rather than waiting for us to ask for it.

During the class, we also had the opportunity to talk with an adoptive couple and a birth mother. Hearing their stories was truly touching. The adoptive couple brought their son with them, and he made friends with all of us, crawling around the room and showing off by trying to walk. The emotion from the birth mother who we met was very touching. It was obvious how much she loves her daughter, how happy she is to see that the little girl's adoptive parents love her, too, and how hard the decision to make an adoption plan for her daughter was.

Around dinnertime, the other two couples in our class who already had children were allowed to leave, and we were left with just the single woman and her mother. The evening session of class was called "Ready the Nest" and was only required for first-time parents. This part of class was designed to help us feel comfortable with newborn care and keep us updated on new safety regulations. We learned (or reviewed) how to swaddle, how to properly use a car seat, how to bottle feed, how to care for a circumcision, etc. 

Despite the length of the day (about 13.5 hours when all was said and done), it really was a great experience. I don't know that we walked away with a ton of new knowledge, but it really gave us the opportunity to process all the information that's been thrown at us since beginning this process. 

So, what's next? Our home visit! This is a 2-3 hour visit with a social worker. She'll come to our home to make sure that it's a safe environment in which to raise a baby. We'll also sit with her to review our finances, our medical histories, our parenting philosophies, our plans for maternity/paternity leave, daycare options, etc. This is all scheduled for October 6th in the afternoon. We'll keep you all posted as to how it goes, but in the meantime, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers! I think we're both a little nervous about this next step.

"Where Are You With The Adoption?"

It seems like we've been getting this question ever since we announced our plan to adopt back in January. This is understandable, since the process is quite long and varies between states and between agencies.  Up until this point, there was no clear answer, since we hadn't officially begun the process.

Back in February, we announced that we had chosen to work with "Agency C," more commonly known as Adoption Support Center. (You can learn more about them here.) Once we decided who we wanted to work with through this whole process, it was time to look at the fine details, also called the budget. Through ASC, our adoption will cost between $28,000-$40,000.  Most of this money goes toward the attorneys, social workers, counselors, and other professionals that will help us and our birth mother through the next few months. The wide range in fees is due to us not knowing up front if the woman we will be matched with has medical coverage. If she has private insurance or is covered on Medicaid, we won't face many medical bills. However, if she does not have insurance, we could be responsible for some of her medical care. 

It's certainly a daunting task to try to find an extra $40,000 in our budget, so we decided to focus on simply getting through the home study. Once we have a completed home study on file, we become eligible to apply for adoption grants, as well as no- and low-interest loans. So, breaking out just the first few months, the portion of the adoption process that happens before the home study, the total fees fell from $40,000 to just about $10,000. While this was still a huge goal to accomplish, it was much more feasible to focus on just this portion.

We are forever grateful for all of you who contributed to our #BeardForBaby campaign on Facebook and Twitter. With all of your support, we raised over $2,500, which in and of itself pays for the home study. By selling unused household items, squirreling away tax refunds, cutting our cable bill and cell phone bills, limiting our dining out to less than once a week, and depositing raises and bonuses directly into the baby's bank account, we have finally reached our goal of having $10,000 earmarked for the adoption!

So, where are we with the adoption? We have officially signed on to partner with ASC. We have our intake meeting with them next week, Tuesday, August 11. At this meeting, we'll fill out a mountain of paperwork, write the agency a sizable check, and learn more details about what the coming months will hold for us. We already know that on Friday, September 11, we will have a full-day home study class at the agency. It's at this class that we will learn what we need to do to prepare ourselves and our home for the study. We will also attend a "ready the nest" class to help us, you know, ready our nest.

We are so excited to "officially" begin the adoption process! It feels like it's been a long time coming, (eight months now of scrimping and saving, worrying and dreaming about how the next year or so will go, but who's counting). We still have many more months ahead of us, months filled with mountains of paperwork, bills, doctor appointments, and preparing our home for the visit, but also months filled with shopping for a crib, car seats, picking paint chips for the nursery, and with getting ready to bring Little Laskey home at last!

"Erin"

For those of you who live in Indianapolis, I'm sure you've heard of "Producer Will" and his wife's recent heartbreak.  For those of you outside of Indiana, Will is the producer of a popular morning radio show.  He and his wife, Adrienne, are in the process of adopting their first child.  Recently, they had the heartbreaking experience that affects about 20% of all adoption plans: their birth mother changed her mind before she signed the papers.  We were warned from the beginning that heartbreak is a part of the adoption process.  Everyone tells you to not get too far ahead of yourself when you begin this process.  I don't think either one of us thought it could happen before we even signed any paperwork, but inspired by Producer Will and Adrienne's courage to tell their story to all of Indianapolis, we'd like to share the next installment in our story with you:

It all started about two months ago.  We were making a quick trip down to Kentucky to visit Brian's grandmother.  Granny lives in the mountains, where cell phone service isn't always very reliable.  We both had lost service for quite awhile, and when we picked it back up again, our phones started buzzing like crazy.  We each had a text and email, and I had a voicemail, all from a friend saying she needed to talk with us soon about "an adoption related matter."  Unsure of what this could possibly be, we quickly called her back.

Long story short, there was a friend of a friend (we'll call her Erin) who was pregnant and looking to make an adoption plan for her son.  She actually had a plan in place with another couple, but they couldn't pass their home study, and the husband had gotten cold feet anyway.  Erin was desperately trying to make an adoption plan for her son, knowing that she couldn't provide a steady life for him.  Our friend wanted to know if we would be interested in possibly meeting with her and discussing a plan. We spent the rest of the weekend in Kentucky with Brian's family, and spending any time alone in our hotel room making lists of little boy names.

When we returned to Indianapolis, I reached out to an attorney that we know, probably one of the best adoption attorneys in the state of Indiana.  She advised us on how to proceed.  Because Erin was only about 8 weeks from her due date, time was a critical factor.  Home studies take 2-3 months, and a baby cannot be placed in a home without a completed home study.  However, if we could find a licensed agency to be legally responsible, we could basically foster this baby, then sign the appropriate adoption paperwork upon completion of our home study.  Luckily for us, this attorney not only operates an adoption law practice, but an adoption agency as well.  They do mostly international placements, but her agency could serve as our placing agency until the home study was complete.  Bonus news: Not needing to pay an agency for advertisement and placement fees could save us close to $15,000 in this process.  

So we began preparing.  We started organizing closets, moving furniture, and cleaning the house in preparation for our home study.  We created an email address that didn't include our last name.  We went to WalMart on Easter Sunday to buy a cheap, disposable cell phone, since the attorney had cautioned us to not use our "real" cell numbers or email addresses. (Let me repeat that sentence: My husband, a Target employee and perhaps the world's most loyal Target shopper, went to WalMart to help prepare for this baby!)   We created a short photo book of us, something to show this woman the kind of people we are, the kind of lives we lead.

Our friend had dinner with Erin, and we received a text on the cell phone (which we have taken to calling "the baby's phone") shortly thereafter.  Erin liked what our friend said about us, and she was interested in meeting us.  We arranged a date and time to meet for dinner, at a restaurant near Erin's home.  A few hours before we were to meet, Erin texted, saying that she felt ill and asking to reschedule.

We sent several options for a reschedule date to Erin, but didn't hear back right away.  One of us always had the baby's phone with us, and we checked it compulsively.  

One evening, while Brian was at work, the baby's phone beeped with an incoming text message.  It was Erin.  "Would you consider yourselves empathetic?" she asked.  "Yes, I would say that we are," I replied.  I anxiously checked the phone for the rest of the night, but no other communication came through.

No further messages came through for almost a week.  We were approaching a state of panic.  By this point, Erin was only about 6 weeks from her due date, and we knew there was a lot of work to be done in a very short period of time in order to make this work.  About a week after the empathy discussion, I had to travel for work.  I happened to have the baby's phone with me while on the trip.  I was in my hotel room, getting ready for dinner with coworkers, when the baby's phone beeped again.  I had to read the message several times before its meaning sunk in:

"I am going to officially decline meeting you both. Bye."

Simple, short, direct.  I didn't know what to say in response.  A thousand questions came to mind.  What had we said or done that caused Erin to reject us before she even met us? Had she found someone else? Was she not moving forward with any adoption plan?  I finally texted back, "I'm sorry if we said something that offended you. We wish you nothing but the best."

We don't know what Erin's new plan is.  In the process of grieving for this little boy, we have found comfort for ourselves, knowing that, whether it takes two months or two years, we are going to walk away from this process with a baby, with our baby.  We have the luxury of time.  Erin doesn't have that luxury.  As I type this, Erin's due date was about 2 weeks ago.  Every day, I pray for Erin, for her son.  Even never having met Erin, never having seen her son, we know we loved him in our own way as we prepared to be his parents.