Frugal February

So we've done a lot of fundraisers in the past year. We did #BeardforBaby, Santa Letters, and are currently in the middle of a Super Bowl Squares fundraiser. (By the way, if you're interested in purchasing squares and a chance to win up to $1,000, be sure to check out https://www.superbowlsquares.org/6z65s. Enter username "username" and password "password" to pick your squares. Also, the more people who play, the bigger the winnings, so please share the link with any friends who may be looking for some squares!)

We've also squirreled away our tax refunds, bonuses and raises, and some money from each paycheck over the last 14 months. Right now, we are only about $5,000 from the total amount we will need to fund the adoption. So, in addition to the Super Bowl Squares fundraiser, we would like to introduce you all to our personal contribution to our savings for the next month:

Frugal February. I got the idea from a Pinterest link called "No Spend November" which was designed to help people save for Christmas shopping.  We've agreed to spend  no money in February outside of necessities (you know, like rent, gas for our cars, etc.). We decided to keep our produce delivery every other week and that buying milk was acceptable, but we plan on making meals with what we have in the house. Other than that, though, no spending.  No dining out, no movies (good thing I organized 10 free date nights as per of Brian's Christmas gift!), no shopping for new clothes, nothing.

We aren't big spenders normally, but we usually don't think twice about going out to eat if we've both had a long day at work, or grabbing a nice sweater at Target if it's on sale, that kind of thing. It's going to be a challenging month; wish us luck!

February...

As the month of February approaches, Stephanie and I sat down and thought about what could we potentially do for our next fundraiser to help bring Little Laskey home.

We have seen a great idea called "Adopt a Block" where you have grid of boxes labeled 1-100 and each person picks a square and donates that amount of money. However, after talking, we both decided that you all have been INCREDIBLY generous so far with your support of our previous fundraisers and we wanted to switch things up a bit.

Well...being the quick thinker that I am, I decided to take the idea of "Adopt a Box", combine it with the time of year, the hype of PowerBall, and make things a little more fun. 

Introducing, "Little Laskey's Super Bowl Squares"! These are just like other Super Bowl squares but with a minor twist. Instead of doing payouts each quarter, or each half, we will do one payout at the end of the game. 50% of the pot will go to the winner, and 50% will stay with us to help bring Little Laskey home. If we fill out grid, that means $1000 to each!

The nice part is there is no paper to fill out! Everything is digital! 

To play, simply visit www.superbowlsquares.org/6z65s and when prompted for a username/password, enter username/password (secure right?). This will allow you to pick the number of squares you'd like.

The score numbers will be filled in 1 hour before the game (unless we haven't sold out, then they will be filled out at kickoff). 

Payment can be made to Stephanie or myself, or online through our GoFundMe www.gofundme.com/LittleLaskey and must be received 1 hour prior to kick off, or your squares will be removed. If you pay online, please put the number of squares you are buying in the comments section.

We really want to see this extend past our spheres, so please share this with all of your friends and family and help get the word out.

Thank you so much for your support and good luck!

Brian

Losing Control

Anytime a family welcomes a child into their home, whether that's through adoption, foster care, assisted reproduction, the "old fashioned way," or any other way that may exist, that family gives up a certain level of control over their lives. Midnight feedings, loss of sleep, planning a sitter before a night out, the list goes on and on. We knew all of this, we anticipated all of this going into this process. Quite frankly, we can't WAIT for all of this! We are so ready to open our home to our child and give up all the control that comes with having a new baby in the house. (The dogs are less sure about giving up control than Brian and I are, but we're working on it...)

I think to a certain extent, we had even come to terms with giving up control of various aspects of our "pregnancy." We will get matched when the right birth mother sees our profile book. We have no idea when that will be. We have no idea how far along into her pregnancy she will be when she firsts learns of us. We may get 8-9 months to cultivate a relationship with her, or we may meet her several hours after the baby is born, when we are signing papers in the hospital. We have little to no control over the timing of this whole process.

We also have very little control over her health and wellness during her pregnancy. This idea took us a little longer to come to terms with. Having a background in science and health, I know how I would take care of my body, and our child's, if I were pregnant. We would be able to control (as much as anyone can, anyway) our prenatal care, ideal birth plan, prenatal checks, etc. When we made the decision to adopt, one thing that we really had to think very carefully about was the level of care that our birth mother will receive during her pregnancy. We needed to be open to certain levels of smoking, drinking, and recreational drug use during her pregnancy. We needed to be open to caring for a child whose birth mother may have not seen a doctor until she showed up at the hospital in labor. One of the most grueling exercises during our home study paperwork was filling in a sort of check list of various medical conditions that our child could have. Which on the list were things we were willing to deal with, and which were "deal breakers" for us? It felt so slimy to do that, as in the back of my head, all I could think was that any parent has to give up control of their child's life, and if we were having this baby, we wouldn't be able to control for these various medical conditions, so why would we get to select this now?

I think we've come around to all of this loss of control. We've had many difficult discussions over the past few months about structuring work around a fall-in-your-lap placement, we've talked about dealing with recreational drug use during pregnancy, and we've discussed the potential for advanced medical care for our child. Just when we thought we had it all figured out, when we though we were controlling as much of the process as possible, life threw us another curveball.

I think many people know that I've accepted a new job and will be starting on Monday. I'm leaving Social Health Association after an amazing three years to work at Susan G. Komen of Central Indiana as their Mission Director. I'm excited for new challenges, but it's been an emotional few weeks transitioning out of an agency that I've grown to love so much.

In most families, when one person is looking at a new job, they may seek advice from their partner, their families, maybe a mentor or two. Throughout the application and interview process with Komen, I did all of those things. Brian and I had many serious conversations about what this change would mean for us as a couple and for our family moving forward. My parents weighed in with their thoughts, and I sought advice from a mentor of mine. When I received the offer from Komen, however, my first call wasn't to my husband, my parents, or my mentor. My first call was to our adoption social worker. I wanted to know how a change in career would impact our home study approval process. It was amazing to me how automatic this was for me to do; I didn't even think twice about clearing this decision with someone who I've only known for about 3 months and who, outside the realm of our adoption, has nothing to do with the decisions we make as a couple. 

But that's the thing, isn't it? Our entire lives right now are INSIDE the realm of the adoption. That means that not only did we give up control of the timing of our child's birth, the prenatal care and substance use of our child's biological mother, and the medical issues that our child could face (not to mention the possibility that we may never know what hereditary risk factors may exist for our child), we also gave up some level of control over our own decision making. It's all part of the process, but it's one of those things I never would have imagined before we began this journey.

Looking Back, Looking Forward

Happy (slightly belated) New Year, everyone! It's hard to believe that just over a year ago, we told you all that we'd begun the adventure to build our family through adoption. What a year it's been! We hit a low point a few days before Christmas this year, thinking about how long it's been, and feeling like we had made very little progress. We lamented, "It's been a year and we aren't even being advertised to birth mothers yet!"  Upon further reflection, however, we realized how far we've come in such a short period of time. So, this post will serve as a sort of recap of our adoption journey through 2015, with a little taste of what 2016 may have in store for us.

In November of 2014, we decided to begin the adoption journey. We had both been thinking privately about how right it felt to grow our family this way, but we had not discussed it with one another. Our nephews came to visit for my birthday, and watching Brian interact with them (frosting sugar cookies to look like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) was really what cemented the idea in my mind that it was time to have the discussion. The kids were leaving the next day, so we had planned a dinner out for my birthday after they left. We hugged our sister and brother-in-law goodbye, gave both the kids kisses and promises to see them soon, and left each other with a "there's something I want to talk about at dinner tonight" before heading to work. Over dinner, we talked at length about both of our hopes for our family, and we decided that we were both ready to begin this process.

In late November and early December 2014, we began meeting with adoption agencies. We had decided that we were not going to announce the news to anyone until we found an agency we were comfortable with, one that we knew would someday unite us with our child. We went on several agency interviews (you can review that process in our "Tale of Three Agencies" post), and found one agency that we were comfortable with. It was time to move forward and begin telling people of our plans! We told our families over Christmas. We had ornaments personalized for each of our parents and my grandmother. The ornaments had two snowmen holding a baby snowman. We had someone write "We're Adopting!" on the ornaments, and gave them as gifts. I think my grandma, Nana, had the best response to opening her ornament. Nana was 87 last Christmas, and as she was opening the ornament, I casually asked if she would be able to read what it said without her glasses. She assured me she was fine. Once she got it open, she looked at it and proudly read "We're Adorable!" I assured her that yes, we are adorable, but that wasn't what the ornament said, and she should read it again. 

Once our families knew, it was time to tell the rest of the world. We announced to all of you via Facebook, Twitter, and this blog on New Year's Day 2015. We were overwhelmed by the incredible support, encouragement, and congratulations that you all offered. We truly believe we have the best support system in our family, friends, and coworkers.

We went on one more agency interview in February of 2015. This was ultimately the agency we decided to work with, and we couldn't be happier with how things have gone with them over the past few months. We didn't activate with them right away, since we knew that we didn't want to begin the process until we were financially able to complete it. Neither of us wanted to incur debt through this process. So, we spent the first half of 2015 raising money to pay for the first round of expenses that come with adoption: agency fees, home study fees, advertising fees, etc. Throughout 2015, we cut back financially to throw as much money as we could into our adoption savings as possible. We also fundraised, and through many people's very generous support, eventually had enough stashed away to pay the first round of fees, totaling about $10,000.  My favorite fundraiser during that time was the beard that Brian grew. I couldn't decide how I felt about our friends during that one: so many of you gave so generously, for which I am forever grateful. On the other hand, I can't help but think that at least a few of you took a small amount of pleasure in seeing just how much we HATED that beard and HATED that we needed to keep it around day after day!

In August of 2015, we had enough money set aside to make it through the first round of fees, so we emailed the agency to see what our next steps would be. Things started happening very quickly from that point. We attended our (13 hour!) home study class in mid-September. We spent two weekends filling out the mountain of paperwork that comes along with a home study. We had our home study visit in early October, and got a draft of the profile book that the agency will use to advertise us to birth mothers in mid-October. All of this was happening as we spent a week in Washington, D.C. to celebrate my little brother getting married and a week in Las Vegas to celebrate Brian's 30th birthday. Fall 2015 was a very busy time in our home!  Our home study was approved by the agency committee and their licensing agent in November 2015, and is ready to be sent to the judge after we make a few revisions to it.

We anticipate the judge receiving our home study draft in early February 2016. Once he or she approves it and we have the full placement fee in our savings (another $10,000) we can begin being advertised to birth mothers. We are well on our way to that next funding goal, thanks to very frugal living over the last few months and another successful fundraiser. I sold letters from Santa to children in November and December 2015. That fundraiser was so much fun for me to do, as I had the opportunity to get a peek into so many wonderful people's lives. Over 40 letters went to 5 states and 2 countries, with recipients ranging in age from 6 months to 60+ years. We are trying to time the approval of our home study with our having that final fee in our account. We have one more fundraiser planned for January 2016: football squares for the Super Bowl. Be on the lookout from Brian about how to get involved! Then, in February, we're going on a spending hiatus. We're nicknaming our final push "Frugal February," and other than paying our bills and filling our cars with gas, we plan on spending no other money during the month. The idea spawned from a "No Spend November" challenge that I saw on Pinterest, intended to help people save for holiday shopping without incurring debt. 

With any luck, our profile book will begin to be shown to potential birth mothers sometime in March or early April 2016. From there, our agency's goal is to have us placed with a child within 12 months. Their average is 9 months. We are praying that, by this time next year, one of us will be updating this blog with reflections of how busy 2016 was, while the other rocks our baby to sleep.

Home Study Update

Hello friends!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! We had a great day. My in-laws were in town, and despite  a minor turkey mix-up, Brian did an awesome job cooking a big, traditional Thanksgiving dinner.

We always have much to be thankful for, but this year, we had something extra to give thanks for. We got word that our homestudy had passed through the agency and their licensing agent! This means we are one step closer to being officially "paper pregnant." Once we approve the draft of the homestudy, our agency will pass it along to the judge for final approval. At that point, we are offically just waiting.

Once the judge approves our homestudy, the agency can begin showing our profile book to potential birth mothers. They strongly recommend, however, that we have our full placement fee in our savings account before they start showing our biography. This is so that we know that we can cover that final amount (due 2 weeks before she is due, or immediately in the case of a fall-in-your-lap adoption) without going into debt. While this makes sense to us, it's tough to feel like we're legally approved but waiting without being "advertised." 

So, while we wait, we'll keep busy. Through a very generous boss and board of directors, I have some unexpected time off work around Christmas, which I'll mostly be spending writing adoption grants, hoping to get some funding that way. I'm also writing personalized letters from Santa for kids that parents, grandparents, and others can order as a Christmas gift (see an example below). Be sure to order one today here. Better yet, order tomorrow (Monday) and take advantage of my Cyber Monday deal...$4 per letter or 2 for $7 (discounted from $5/letter). I'm also hosting a booth at a local craft fair on Saturday to display the letters and hopefully collect some more orders.

Big thanks go out to Kristi, Cera, Cassy, Kim, and Erin who have already ordered letters for their little ones! Additional thanks go out to all of our faithful blog readers, and all of our family and friends who have been so wonderful and supportive through this whole process. We took a huge step forward by having this homestudy approved, and are excited to keep working to keep the process moving!

Different Trips to the Same Place

They say the waiting is the hardest part of adoption. It's certainly a hurry-up-and-wait kind of process. Hurry up and get all the paperwork completed, then wait for your home visit. Hurry up and get the house cleaned, then meet the social worker. Hurry up and finalize the paperwork for the home study, then wait for different groups of people to approve it. That's where we are right now. Our home study paperwork is in the hands of our agency. It will (hopefully) soon make its way to the licensing agent, then the judge. These folks have to approve it, then it's a hurry-up-and-wait for a birth mother to like our biography book. We'll keep everyone posted as we move along, but in the meantime, we thought we'd share with you something that the director of our agency shared with us during our home study class back in September. We found it very touching:

Different Trips to the Same Place
Author Unknown

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place; you've read many guidebooks and feel certain that you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip. 

So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there's no seat for you; you'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait---and wait---and wait. Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax. You'll get on a flight soon." 

After a long time, the ticket agent tells you, I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat. "By BOAT!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than by air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat. 

It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip. Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. 

It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air. People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are only able to travel once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy."

You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know you are blessed with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not the way you get there, but in the place itself.

Home Visit

So, today was the day the social worker visited our house. I've been stressing about this day from the beginning of this process. Everyone we know who has adopted told us that the home visit isn't nearly as bad as people make it out to be. There's just something nerve-wracking, though, about someone coming into your home to judge it...and YOU...to determine if this is a good place to raise a child.

We spent the last 3 days cleaning the house from top to bottom. Our house is certainly not dirty, but it is lived in...it looks like there are two people and two weiner dogs living in it! Dishes sometimes live in the sink for a day or two before they make it to the dishwasher, our living room is littered with dog toys, and we've been known to have stray socks left on the floor of the bedroom.  Not today! The house almost looks more like a show home than a lived-in home. All the throw blankets are folded neatly on the couch and ottoman, the guest room isn't storing an assortment of off-season clothing strewn across the bed, and the office (which also serves as the dogs' bedroom) is cleaner than the day we moved in.

The social worker from our adoption agency showed up around 4pm, for what we assumed would be a 2 hour meeting or so. (That's what all the paperwork said.) She sat with us in the living room and did the "interview" part of the visit first. In this interview, she asked us basic biographical questions (dates of birth and marriage, number of siblings, parents' occupations, etcc.) as well as questions that probed deeper (what our childhoods were like, what our relationships with our siblings are like, why we decided to start dating each other, and ultimately why we decided to marry each other).  We had to talk about how we think our lives will change when we get a baby, how we plan to discipline our child, why we each thought the other person would be a good parent, and why we want to be parents in the first place.  We had to describe our infertility status for the third time with this agency (in short: 5 years married, no baby, but no tests to determine why).

The interview portion of the visit lasted just about an hour. Then it was time for the tour. The social worker checked to make sure that we had a smoke detector within 10 feet of each bedroom door (easy to comply with, since that's what our apartment management company needs to comply with their insurance policy), a fire extinguisher and carbon monoxide detector on each floor of the house, and a room separate from ours for the baby (we will be converting our guest room).  If we had weapons or a pool (we have neither), she woulld have also checked to make sure that we were takig proper precautions to secure those.  The social worker looked in each room of the house, but moved quickly through the tour. All in all, she only took about 15 minutes to check our home. 

Overall, it was a stressful day or two leading up to our visit, but I have to agree with others who say that the actual visit wasn't nearly as bad as I had worked it up to be in my head. From here, we each have  to have a physical. Once that paperwork is in our agency's hands, the social worker will draft our home study document. We wil review the document, then the agency staff reviews it to make sure we pass. It is then submtted to the state of Indiana for review as a petition to adopt. Once it is submitted to the state, the agency wil begin showing our biography book to potential birth mothers.

Thank yuo all for the incredible outporing of love, prayers, good thoughts, and well wishes during this entire process. You all have no idea how amazing it is to know that we have so many people supporting us through this long, emotional process.

Love, Stephanie

P.S. I've hard from some folks that they "stalk" the blog almost daily...We'll try to be better at updating more regularly!!