It seems like we've been getting this question ever since we announced our plan to adopt back in January. This is understandable, since the process is quite long and varies between states and between agencies. Up until this point, there was no clear answer, since we hadn't officially begun the process.
Back in February, we announced that we had chosen to work with "Agency C," more commonly known as Adoption Support Center. (You can learn more about them here.) Once we decided who we wanted to work with through this whole process, it was time to look at the fine details, also called the budget. Through ASC, our adoption will cost between $28,000-$40,000. Most of this money goes toward the attorneys, social workers, counselors, and other professionals that will help us and our birth mother through the next few months. The wide range in fees is due to us not knowing up front if the woman we will be matched with has medical coverage. If she has private insurance or is covered on Medicaid, we won't face many medical bills. However, if she does not have insurance, we could be responsible for some of her medical care.
It's certainly a daunting task to try to find an extra $40,000 in our budget, so we decided to focus on simply getting through the home study. Once we have a completed home study on file, we become eligible to apply for adoption grants, as well as no- and low-interest loans. So, breaking out just the first few months, the portion of the adoption process that happens before the home study, the total fees fell from $40,000 to just about $10,000. While this was still a huge goal to accomplish, it was much more feasible to focus on just this portion.
We are forever grateful for all of you who contributed to our #BeardForBaby campaign on Facebook and Twitter. With all of your support, we raised over $2,500, which in and of itself pays for the home study. By selling unused household items, squirreling away tax refunds, cutting our cable bill and cell phone bills, limiting our dining out to less than once a week, and depositing raises and bonuses directly into the baby's bank account, we have finally reached our goal of having $10,000 earmarked for the adoption!
So, where are we with the adoption? We have officially signed on to partner with ASC. We have our intake meeting with them next week, Tuesday, August 11. At this meeting, we'll fill out a mountain of paperwork, write the agency a sizable check, and learn more details about what the coming months will hold for us. We already know that on Friday, September 11, we will have a full-day home study class at the agency. It's at this class that we will learn what we need to do to prepare ourselves and our home for the study. We will also attend a "ready the nest" class to help us, you know, ready our nest.
We are so excited to "officially" begin the adoption process! It feels like it's been a long time coming, (eight months now of scrimping and saving, worrying and dreaming about how the next year or so will go, but who's counting). We still have many more months ahead of us, months filled with mountains of paperwork, bills, doctor appointments, and preparing our home for the visit, but also months filled with shopping for a crib, car seats, picking paint chips for the nursery, and with getting ready to bring Little Laskey home at last!
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Monday, July 6, 2015
"Erin"
For those of you who live in Indianapolis, I'm sure you've heard of "Producer Will" and his wife's recent heartbreak. For those of you outside of Indiana, Will is the producer of a popular morning radio show. He and his wife, Adrienne, are in the process of adopting their first child. Recently, they had the heartbreaking experience that affects about 20% of all adoption plans: their birth mother changed her mind before she signed the papers. We were warned from the beginning that heartbreak is a part of the adoption process. Everyone tells you to not get too far ahead of yourself when you begin this process. I don't think either one of us thought it could happen before we even signed any paperwork, but inspired by Producer Will and Adrienne's courage to tell their story to all of Indianapolis, we'd like to share the next installment in our story with you:
It all started about two months ago. We were making a quick trip down to Kentucky to visit Brian's grandmother. Granny lives in the mountains, where cell phone service isn't always very reliable. We both had lost service for quite awhile, and when we picked it back up again, our phones started buzzing like crazy. We each had a text and email, and I had a voicemail, all from a friend saying she needed to talk with us soon about "an adoption related matter." Unsure of what this could possibly be, we quickly called her back.
Long story short, there was a friend of a friend (we'll call her Erin) who was pregnant and looking to make an adoption plan for her son. She actually had a plan in place with another couple, but they couldn't pass their home study, and the husband had gotten cold feet anyway. Erin was desperately trying to make an adoption plan for her son, knowing that she couldn't provide a steady life for him. Our friend wanted to know if we would be interested in possibly meeting with her and discussing a plan. We spent the rest of the weekend in Kentucky with Brian's family, and spending any time alone in our hotel room making lists of little boy names.
When we returned to Indianapolis, I reached out to an attorney that we know, probably one of the best adoption attorneys in the state of Indiana. She advised us on how to proceed. Because Erin was only about 8 weeks from her due date, time was a critical factor. Home studies take 2-3 months, and a baby cannot be placed in a home without a completed home study. However, if we could find a licensed agency to be legally responsible, we could basically foster this baby, then sign the appropriate adoption paperwork upon completion of our home study. Luckily for us, this attorney not only operates an adoption law practice, but an adoption agency as well. They do mostly international placements, but her agency could serve as our placing agency until the home study was complete. Bonus news: Not needing to pay an agency for advertisement and placement fees could save us close to $15,000 in this process.
So we began preparing. We started organizing closets, moving furniture, and cleaning the house in preparation for our home study. We created an email address that didn't include our last name. We went to WalMart on Easter Sunday to buy a cheap, disposable cell phone, since the attorney had cautioned us to not use our "real" cell numbers or email addresses. (Let me repeat that sentence: My husband, a Target employee and perhaps the world's most loyal Target shopper, went to WalMart to help prepare for this baby!) We created a short photo book of us, something to show this woman the kind of people we are, the kind of lives we lead.
Our friend had dinner with Erin, and we received a text on the cell phone (which we have taken to calling "the baby's phone") shortly thereafter. Erin liked what our friend said about us, and she was interested in meeting us. We arranged a date and time to meet for dinner, at a restaurant near Erin's home. A few hours before we were to meet, Erin texted, saying that she felt ill and asking to reschedule.
We sent several options for a reschedule date to Erin, but didn't hear back right away. One of us always had the baby's phone with us, and we checked it compulsively.
One evening, while Brian was at work, the baby's phone beeped with an incoming text message. It was Erin. "Would you consider yourselves empathetic?" she asked. "Yes, I would say that we are," I replied. I anxiously checked the phone for the rest of the night, but no other communication came through.
No further messages came through for almost a week. We were approaching a state of panic. By this point, Erin was only about 6 weeks from her due date, and we knew there was a lot of work to be done in a very short period of time in order to make this work. About a week after the empathy discussion, I had to travel for work. I happened to have the baby's phone with me while on the trip. I was in my hotel room, getting ready for dinner with coworkers, when the baby's phone beeped again. I had to read the message several times before its meaning sunk in:
"I am going to officially decline meeting you both. Bye."
Simple, short, direct. I didn't know what to say in response. A thousand questions came to mind. What had we said or done that caused Erin to reject us before she even met us? Had she found someone else? Was she not moving forward with any adoption plan? I finally texted back, "I'm sorry if we said something that offended you. We wish you nothing but the best."
We don't know what Erin's new plan is. In the process of grieving for this little boy, we have found comfort for ourselves, knowing that, whether it takes two months or two years, we are going to walk away from this process with a baby, with our baby. We have the luxury of time. Erin doesn't have that luxury. As I type this, Erin's due date was about 2 weeks ago. Every day, I pray for Erin, for her son. Even never having met Erin, never having seen her son, we know we loved him in our own way as we prepared to be his parents.
It all started about two months ago. We were making a quick trip down to Kentucky to visit Brian's grandmother. Granny lives in the mountains, where cell phone service isn't always very reliable. We both had lost service for quite awhile, and when we picked it back up again, our phones started buzzing like crazy. We each had a text and email, and I had a voicemail, all from a friend saying she needed to talk with us soon about "an adoption related matter." Unsure of what this could possibly be, we quickly called her back.
Long story short, there was a friend of a friend (we'll call her Erin) who was pregnant and looking to make an adoption plan for her son. She actually had a plan in place with another couple, but they couldn't pass their home study, and the husband had gotten cold feet anyway. Erin was desperately trying to make an adoption plan for her son, knowing that she couldn't provide a steady life for him. Our friend wanted to know if we would be interested in possibly meeting with her and discussing a plan. We spent the rest of the weekend in Kentucky with Brian's family, and spending any time alone in our hotel room making lists of little boy names.
When we returned to Indianapolis, I reached out to an attorney that we know, probably one of the best adoption attorneys in the state of Indiana. She advised us on how to proceed. Because Erin was only about 8 weeks from her due date, time was a critical factor. Home studies take 2-3 months, and a baby cannot be placed in a home without a completed home study. However, if we could find a licensed agency to be legally responsible, we could basically foster this baby, then sign the appropriate adoption paperwork upon completion of our home study. Luckily for us, this attorney not only operates an adoption law practice, but an adoption agency as well. They do mostly international placements, but her agency could serve as our placing agency until the home study was complete. Bonus news: Not needing to pay an agency for advertisement and placement fees could save us close to $15,000 in this process.
So we began preparing. We started organizing closets, moving furniture, and cleaning the house in preparation for our home study. We created an email address that didn't include our last name. We went to WalMart on Easter Sunday to buy a cheap, disposable cell phone, since the attorney had cautioned us to not use our "real" cell numbers or email addresses. (Let me repeat that sentence: My husband, a Target employee and perhaps the world's most loyal Target shopper, went to WalMart to help prepare for this baby!) We created a short photo book of us, something to show this woman the kind of people we are, the kind of lives we lead.
Our friend had dinner with Erin, and we received a text on the cell phone (which we have taken to calling "the baby's phone") shortly thereafter. Erin liked what our friend said about us, and she was interested in meeting us. We arranged a date and time to meet for dinner, at a restaurant near Erin's home. A few hours before we were to meet, Erin texted, saying that she felt ill and asking to reschedule.
We sent several options for a reschedule date to Erin, but didn't hear back right away. One of us always had the baby's phone with us, and we checked it compulsively.
One evening, while Brian was at work, the baby's phone beeped with an incoming text message. It was Erin. "Would you consider yourselves empathetic?" she asked. "Yes, I would say that we are," I replied. I anxiously checked the phone for the rest of the night, but no other communication came through.
No further messages came through for almost a week. We were approaching a state of panic. By this point, Erin was only about 6 weeks from her due date, and we knew there was a lot of work to be done in a very short period of time in order to make this work. About a week after the empathy discussion, I had to travel for work. I happened to have the baby's phone with me while on the trip. I was in my hotel room, getting ready for dinner with coworkers, when the baby's phone beeped again. I had to read the message several times before its meaning sunk in:
"I am going to officially decline meeting you both. Bye."
Simple, short, direct. I didn't know what to say in response. A thousand questions came to mind. What had we said or done that caused Erin to reject us before she even met us? Had she found someone else? Was she not moving forward with any adoption plan? I finally texted back, "I'm sorry if we said something that offended you. We wish you nothing but the best."
We don't know what Erin's new plan is. In the process of grieving for this little boy, we have found comfort for ourselves, knowing that, whether it takes two months or two years, we are going to walk away from this process with a baby, with our baby. We have the luxury of time. Erin doesn't have that luxury. As I type this, Erin's due date was about 2 weeks ago. Every day, I pray for Erin, for her son. Even never having met Erin, never having seen her son, we know we loved him in our own way as we prepared to be his parents.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
It's not JUST DNA...
First let me say this. I never expected the out pouring of support that my #BeardForBaby campaign has brought. From elementary and high school friends, to old roommates, coworkers, bosses, and even random strangers, we have learned very quickly that we have so many people rooting us on and wanting us to be successful in this adoption process. For that, we will NEVER be able to say THANK YOU enough!
Throughout this campaign, we have been asked many questions about the process, about our decision to adopt, and even about our fertility status (and if that isn't an awkward topic, I'm not sure what is), but what I hear the most isn't a question. It's the statement "Wow! You're such a strong man to raise a child that isn't yours."
Now, if you're someone who has made that comment to me, please know, I'm not offended. I can understand why you would think that way. I mean this child will not have one ounce of my blood, not one gene of my DNA, but DNA isn't what makes a family.
This is something I've known my whole life.
If you've known me long enough, you'll know that I talk about my sisters and brother, but you'll also know that I am an only child. I was blessed to have two "sisters" and a "brother" come into my life when I was young, and another "sister" joined our crazy group a few years ago. Before I even started kindergarten, my mom was nannying for a six-week old named Cera. She was the daughter of a friend and we would grow up together. We would play, we would fight, I would push her over, or push her on a swing. The only difference was we didn't sleep under the same roof.
A few years later, Jimmy would come along. Biologically, he's Cera's brother, but to me, he's my baby brother too. I would play Ninja Turtles with him and go to his hockey games to cheer him on. We would play basketball in the yard and go to the movies.
Samantha came next and like all babies, she was spoiled from the start. I sat through her dance recitals, took her for Slurpees, and gave her all the things that her mom said "no" to.
A few years ago, Katherine was born, and while I've not been able to be as active in her life, I see it much like how an older brother is with a much younger sibling. Stephanie and I send her packages, mostly consisting of toys that will drive her mom crazy.
So while my mom only gave birth to one child, I have four siblings that I couldn't love more.
I threatened Cera's now-husband when they started dating, I cried at her wedding, and I cried when she gave birth to both of my nephews. (Disclaimer: I fully plan on crying my eyes out when my first niece comes in a few weeks.)
I tied a yellow ribbon when Jimmy deployed with the Army, prayed every night that he would return safely, and I celebrated when he did.
I dried Samantha's eyes when boys hurt her and sit anxiously to see what the future holds for her.
I laugh everyday at the new story I hear from Katherine and her love for Ninja Turtles (now I'm on a mission to make Raphael her favorite, too).
All humans are 99.5% similar biochemically. So you see, I can over look that 0.5% and know that no matter what, it is that Love Makes A Family.
~Brian
Help bring Little Laskey home. Support #BeardForBaby and donate at www.gofundme.com/littlelaskey
Throughout this campaign, we have been asked many questions about the process, about our decision to adopt, and even about our fertility status (and if that isn't an awkward topic, I'm not sure what is), but what I hear the most isn't a question. It's the statement "Wow! You're such a strong man to raise a child that isn't yours."
Now, if you're someone who has made that comment to me, please know, I'm not offended. I can understand why you would think that way. I mean this child will not have one ounce of my blood, not one gene of my DNA, but DNA isn't what makes a family.
This is something I've known my whole life.
If you've known me long enough, you'll know that I talk about my sisters and brother, but you'll also know that I am an only child. I was blessed to have two "sisters" and a "brother" come into my life when I was young, and another "sister" joined our crazy group a few years ago. Before I even started kindergarten, my mom was nannying for a six-week old named Cera. She was the daughter of a friend and we would grow up together. We would play, we would fight, I would push her over, or push her on a swing. The only difference was we didn't sleep under the same roof.
A few years later, Jimmy would come along. Biologically, he's Cera's brother, but to me, he's my baby brother too. I would play Ninja Turtles with him and go to his hockey games to cheer him on. We would play basketball in the yard and go to the movies.
Samantha came next and like all babies, she was spoiled from the start. I sat through her dance recitals, took her for Slurpees, and gave her all the things that her mom said "no" to.
A few years ago, Katherine was born, and while I've not been able to be as active in her life, I see it much like how an older brother is with a much younger sibling. Stephanie and I send her packages, mostly consisting of toys that will drive her mom crazy.
So while my mom only gave birth to one child, I have four siblings that I couldn't love more.
I threatened Cera's now-husband when they started dating, I cried at her wedding, and I cried when she gave birth to both of my nephews. (Disclaimer: I fully plan on crying my eyes out when my first niece comes in a few weeks.)
I tied a yellow ribbon when Jimmy deployed with the Army, prayed every night that he would return safely, and I celebrated when he did.
I dried Samantha's eyes when boys hurt her and sit anxiously to see what the future holds for her.
I laugh everyday at the new story I hear from Katherine and her love for Ninja Turtles (now I'm on a mission to make Raphael her favorite, too).
All humans are 99.5% similar biochemically. So you see, I can over look that 0.5% and know that no matter what, it is that Love Makes A Family.
~Brian
Help bring Little Laskey home. Support #BeardForBaby and donate at www.gofundme.com/littlelaskey
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Why the beard? I want a baby!
Why the beard? I've been hearing this question A LOT lately. The answer is quite simple. I really want a baby.
Now I know you must be sitting there scratching your head and trying to figure out how my growing a beard might connect to a baby. It is a fun story actually.
When I turned 29 this year, Stephanie (my beautiful wife) made me an awesome gift, "30 Things To Do Before 30." One of the items in there was to grow a beard. I have always wanted to see if I could, and she's always been opposed to it, so she finally gave in.
I started growing my beard on February 18 (Ash Wednesday) and planned on keeping it through Easter Sunday. Well...four weeks in I knew I hated it! I hated it, Steph hated it, no use in keeping it any longer. I mentioned to a friend how we both despised the beard and how I was going to shave it off.
Now as any good friend would do, he gave me $20 to keep it another week, just so he could watch me suffer. He wanted to see if I could get that "Grizzly Adams" look. I accepted because, hey, $20 is $20. When I told Stephanie about it she agreed that another week couldn't hurt and the $20 would go right into our adoption account (where every cent that doesn't keep the roof up or lights on goes now).
That night it dawned on us. If ONE friend enjoys our suffering, maybe more will too. So the challenge has been made.
For every day that someone donates ANYTHING to our GoFundMe, I won't shave. It's as simple as that. I will just have to keep myself business presentable, otherwise we'll be asking for donations because I'm out of work.
Additionally, as with any donation, we'd still love for you to send your family photo so we can add it to the collage we're making for Little Laskey, showing him/her how many people loved them from the start and helped make us a family.
So if you have a few extra bucks and want to see me look like a fool, or if you just want to see me act like a fool when I finally get to hold my baby please consider donating.
~Brian
Now I know you must be sitting there scratching your head and trying to figure out how my growing a beard might connect to a baby. It is a fun story actually.
When I turned 29 this year, Stephanie (my beautiful wife) made me an awesome gift, "30 Things To Do Before 30." One of the items in there was to grow a beard. I have always wanted to see if I could, and she's always been opposed to it, so she finally gave in.
I started growing my beard on February 18 (Ash Wednesday) and planned on keeping it through Easter Sunday. Well...four weeks in I knew I hated it! I hated it, Steph hated it, no use in keeping it any longer. I mentioned to a friend how we both despised the beard and how I was going to shave it off.
Now as any good friend would do, he gave me $20 to keep it another week, just so he could watch me suffer. He wanted to see if I could get that "Grizzly Adams" look. I accepted because, hey, $20 is $20. When I told Stephanie about it she agreed that another week couldn't hurt and the $20 would go right into our adoption account (where every cent that doesn't keep the roof up or lights on goes now).
That night it dawned on us. If ONE friend enjoys our suffering, maybe more will too. So the challenge has been made.
For every day that someone donates ANYTHING to our GoFundMe, I won't shave. It's as simple as that. I will just have to keep myself business presentable, otherwise we'll be asking for donations because I'm out of work.
Additionally, as with any donation, we'd still love for you to send your family photo so we can add it to the collage we're making for Little Laskey, showing him/her how many people loved them from the start and helped make us a family.
So if you have a few extra bucks and want to see me look like a fool, or if you just want to see me act like a fool when I finally get to hold my baby please consider donating.
~Brian
Saturday, February 21, 2015
A Tale of Three Agencies
It's been a little while since we've last updated the blog, and we've been busy going to informational sessions from different agencies to try to determine who we'd like to work with throughout this process. We have done a lot of research online, talked to friends of friends who have adopted, and ultimately met with three different agencies to see if they would be a good fit for us. We recognize that not everyone will have the same experience with these agencies, so we are not going to identify them by name. So here you have it, our experience with three different Indianapolis-area adoption agencies:
Agency A
We actually met with Agency A before Christmas, before we announced our adoption plans to our families. We were very hopeful that this agency would work out, since we know several couple who have adopted with them. The information session started off well, with the social workers talking about wanting to make the process as painless as possible for everyone involved. They described the wonderful experience so many of their couples have gone through, their relatively short wait times for a match, and their experience both domestically and internationally. Unfortunately, things took a rather ugly turn when they were discussing the home-study process.
The social workers leading the discussion began to talk about the incredibly invasive questions that agencies ask during a home-study process (which we knew to expect, by the way). At one point, however, the social worker called on the men in attendance, saying, "We are going to ask you gentlemen if you have ever viewed pornography, and if so, you'll need a statement from your therapist saying you have overcome this affliction." From singling out the men in the audience to insinuating that a single viewing of pornography is equivalent to the addictions that people struggle with, there are so many things offensive about that statement!
Assuming she was making a (failed) attempt at humor, we continued to listen to the session. Next on the agenda was a discussion of the quality of counseling provided to the expectant mothers who work with Agency A. Sounds wonderful, right? I love that these women are being counseled so thoroughly through what has to be the biggest decision of their lives. The only downside was that during this discussion, the social workers admitted to having a higher-than-average fall-through rate. A fall-through, particularly the awful, heart-breaking ones that happen after the birth of the child, is every adoptive parent's worst nightmare.
Ok, inappropriate, sexist jokes aside, looking past high fall-through rates, assuming that those women were making the best choice possible for their child, the social workers at Agency A put their feet in their mouths one more time when they were talking about the post-placement home visit. About a week after the baby is placed in our home, the social workers come to make sure everything is going well. Describing this process, the Agency A social workers said, "When we come to do the post-placement visit, we don't expect you to love that child, and if you say you do, I'll think you're lying. It's not your child, after all, and how can you possibly love someone else's child?"
We left that information session feeling incredibly defeated and unsure of whether we or not we were making the right decision.
Agency B
We went to an information session at Agency B shortly after the disastrous session at Agency A. What a difference! The social worker at Agency B was caring, sensitive, and didn't make inappropriate jokes at the expense of the men in the room! She had everyone take time to introduce themselves, and she wanted to hear about other agencies we had all been researching. Throughout the course of the presentation, she would reference the other agencies and help each couple weigh some of the pros and cons between Agency B and the other agencies we all had met with.
We loved that Agency B provides excellent counseling to the expectant mothers (up to 25 hours in fact!). However, their fall-through rate was very low; the social worker explained that they reflect back to the birth mothers everything they had discussed in their counseling after the baby is born, so that she is reassured that she is making the right decision.
The biggest downside to Agency B is that the adoptive parents are expected to actively search for expectant mothers to be matched with. We were unsure how we felt about this, but we were open to learning more if everything else about Agency B worked out.
We left Agency B feeling reassured, and more importantly, our excitement to start the process was reignited. We felt confident that we were making the right decision. We knew that Agency B would be great to work with, and so we decided to tell our family and friends that we were beginning the process of adopting. We were not positive that we would work with Agency B, but we knew that we liked them enough to move forward with them, and thus with the process.
Agency C
We just met with Agency C earlier this week. We went into the information session knowing that they had to really impress us, in order to beat out Agency B as our agency of choice. The staff at Agency C was friendly, and they had a lot of personal experience as adoptive parents. We felt immediately put at ease with the informal environment and casual way the information was presented.
Agency C has incredible ratings, and possibly most telling of all, many repeat adoptive parents. We actually met a couple at the Agency B session who had used Agency C to adopt their son, and they had nothing but positive things to say. They were looking at different agencies this time around because, due to their age, they felt Agency C was no longer the best match.
Agency C is a relatively young agency (about 30 years, which is young when you compare it to agencies like Bethany Christian, Lutheran Family Services, etc. which have all been around for a hundred years). However, in their short history, they have placed 6,000 babies with adoptive parents. They have some of the shortest wait times among the agencies we met with. Agency C matches the expectant mother with the adoptive parents, which was a big pro over Agency B.
Agency C provides excellent support to their expectant mothers. They do their best to make sure that the living expenses the expectant mothers are entitled to are distributed fairly before and after the birth of the baby. They do this to make sure that she is taken care of, even after she has placed her baby with the adoptive parents.
Agency C also opened our eyes to the benefits of a more open adoption. We started this process knowing that closed adoptions in the United States are a thing of the past. We knew we would be exchanging cards, letters, and photos with our child's birth mother for years to come. Agency C helped us understand the benefits for our child of a more open situation, including visits, trips to the zoo and Children's Museum, etc. It took a few days of reflection for both of us to really understand and be comfortable with this. In the long run, though, we know the benefits that come from allowing our child to know their birth mother.
The Winner Is...
After a lot of thought, prayer, and discussion, we are very excited to announce that we will be beginning our adoption process with Agency C, also known as Adoption Support Center. You can learn more about ASC here. We are excited to start the process, and know that we are making the right decision for us. Agency B was an awesome group to meet with, but in the end, the timeline of ASC fits what we're looking for. We also really like that they help coordinate the match between us and the birth mother, and help us figure out a relationship plan with her that we are all comfortable with in the long term.
We are very excited to share our thoughts and decision with you all! You will all be such a big part of Little Laskey's life, and ultimately a huge part of our journey to become a family!
Agency A
We actually met with Agency A before Christmas, before we announced our adoption plans to our families. We were very hopeful that this agency would work out, since we know several couple who have adopted with them. The information session started off well, with the social workers talking about wanting to make the process as painless as possible for everyone involved. They described the wonderful experience so many of their couples have gone through, their relatively short wait times for a match, and their experience both domestically and internationally. Unfortunately, things took a rather ugly turn when they were discussing the home-study process.
The social workers leading the discussion began to talk about the incredibly invasive questions that agencies ask during a home-study process (which we knew to expect, by the way). At one point, however, the social worker called on the men in attendance, saying, "We are going to ask you gentlemen if you have ever viewed pornography, and if so, you'll need a statement from your therapist saying you have overcome this affliction." From singling out the men in the audience to insinuating that a single viewing of pornography is equivalent to the addictions that people struggle with, there are so many things offensive about that statement!
Assuming she was making a (failed) attempt at humor, we continued to listen to the session. Next on the agenda was a discussion of the quality of counseling provided to the expectant mothers who work with Agency A. Sounds wonderful, right? I love that these women are being counseled so thoroughly through what has to be the biggest decision of their lives. The only downside was that during this discussion, the social workers admitted to having a higher-than-average fall-through rate. A fall-through, particularly the awful, heart-breaking ones that happen after the birth of the child, is every adoptive parent's worst nightmare.
Ok, inappropriate, sexist jokes aside, looking past high fall-through rates, assuming that those women were making the best choice possible for their child, the social workers at Agency A put their feet in their mouths one more time when they were talking about the post-placement home visit. About a week after the baby is placed in our home, the social workers come to make sure everything is going well. Describing this process, the Agency A social workers said, "When we come to do the post-placement visit, we don't expect you to love that child, and if you say you do, I'll think you're lying. It's not your child, after all, and how can you possibly love someone else's child?"
We left that information session feeling incredibly defeated and unsure of whether we or not we were making the right decision.
Agency B
We went to an information session at Agency B shortly after the disastrous session at Agency A. What a difference! The social worker at Agency B was caring, sensitive, and didn't make inappropriate jokes at the expense of the men in the room! She had everyone take time to introduce themselves, and she wanted to hear about other agencies we had all been researching. Throughout the course of the presentation, she would reference the other agencies and help each couple weigh some of the pros and cons between Agency B and the other agencies we all had met with.
We loved that Agency B provides excellent counseling to the expectant mothers (up to 25 hours in fact!). However, their fall-through rate was very low; the social worker explained that they reflect back to the birth mothers everything they had discussed in their counseling after the baby is born, so that she is reassured that she is making the right decision.
The biggest downside to Agency B is that the adoptive parents are expected to actively search for expectant mothers to be matched with. We were unsure how we felt about this, but we were open to learning more if everything else about Agency B worked out.
We left Agency B feeling reassured, and more importantly, our excitement to start the process was reignited. We felt confident that we were making the right decision. We knew that Agency B would be great to work with, and so we decided to tell our family and friends that we were beginning the process of adopting. We were not positive that we would work with Agency B, but we knew that we liked them enough to move forward with them, and thus with the process.
Agency C
We just met with Agency C earlier this week. We went into the information session knowing that they had to really impress us, in order to beat out Agency B as our agency of choice. The staff at Agency C was friendly, and they had a lot of personal experience as adoptive parents. We felt immediately put at ease with the informal environment and casual way the information was presented.
Agency C has incredible ratings, and possibly most telling of all, many repeat adoptive parents. We actually met a couple at the Agency B session who had used Agency C to adopt their son, and they had nothing but positive things to say. They were looking at different agencies this time around because, due to their age, they felt Agency C was no longer the best match.
Agency C is a relatively young agency (about 30 years, which is young when you compare it to agencies like Bethany Christian, Lutheran Family Services, etc. which have all been around for a hundred years). However, in their short history, they have placed 6,000 babies with adoptive parents. They have some of the shortest wait times among the agencies we met with. Agency C matches the expectant mother with the adoptive parents, which was a big pro over Agency B.
Agency C provides excellent support to their expectant mothers. They do their best to make sure that the living expenses the expectant mothers are entitled to are distributed fairly before and after the birth of the baby. They do this to make sure that she is taken care of, even after she has placed her baby with the adoptive parents.
Agency C also opened our eyes to the benefits of a more open adoption. We started this process knowing that closed adoptions in the United States are a thing of the past. We knew we would be exchanging cards, letters, and photos with our child's birth mother for years to come. Agency C helped us understand the benefits for our child of a more open situation, including visits, trips to the zoo and Children's Museum, etc. It took a few days of reflection for both of us to really understand and be comfortable with this. In the long run, though, we know the benefits that come from allowing our child to know their birth mother.
The Winner Is...
After a lot of thought, prayer, and discussion, we are very excited to announce that we will be beginning our adoption process with Agency C, also known as Adoption Support Center. You can learn more about ASC here. We are excited to start the process, and know that we are making the right decision for us. Agency B was an awesome group to meet with, but in the end, the timeline of ASC fits what we're looking for. We also really like that they help coordinate the match between us and the birth mother, and help us figure out a relationship plan with her that we are all comfortable with in the long term.
We are very excited to share our thoughts and decision with you all! You will all be such a big part of Little Laskey's life, and ultimately a huge part of our journey to become a family!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
The Adventure Begins
Welcome to our adoption story! We are so excited to share our journey to creating our family with all of our family and friends. At this point, there are probably more questions than answers, so this first post will take a stab at answering some of those questions that we're sure you all have.
Why adoption?
This is probably the question on most of your minds. We are choosing to adopt for several reasons, but they all boil down to having tons of love that we want to share with a child(ren). We have both been blessed to work with an amazing organization since we moved to Indiana called HOPE for Families (previously the Indiana Collaboration for Families with Infertility). We have both served on the Board of Directors and have worked on the HOPE Health Fair and fundraisers over the last 4 years or so. One of the biggest blessings of working with this organization has been that we have had the opportunity to have some difficult conversations before we knew if we'd need to consider assistance achieving pregnancy or adoption. We want to make it very clear: We recognize that we have several risk factors for infertility between us, but we have never undergone testing to confirm our fertility status. We decided that we did not want to introduce any blame into our relationship (either blaming each other or ourselves). We have seen amazing families grow in all different ways, and this is simply the way we are choosing to grow our family at this time.
Domestic or International?
We aren't sure yet. At this point, we have not decided which agency we will be working with. We have met with several agencies, and have several more meetings lined up after the start of 2015. Each agency offers different options and programs, so once we choose who we are working with, we will choose the program within that agency that is the right fit for us. That being said, we are open to either option, and to many different countries and ages.
What does the process look like?
Each agency operates a little bit differently, so we will be able to answer this question better once we decide on an agency and a program. However, all programs have a few similar components. Once we decide on an agency to work with, we will undergo a home study and usually some educational classes. Once we have a completed home study on file, it's a bit of a waiting game to get matched with either a waiting child (in the case of international adoption) or an expectant mother (in the case of domestic infant adoption).
Why does it cost so much to adopt a child?
First of all, thanks for asking! One thing you can do is educate yourself about the adoption process and positive adoption language. We are learning a lot through this process, and would love if those closest to us learn along with us! There are several great resources online about using positive adoption language, like this one.
Why adoption?
This is probably the question on most of your minds. We are choosing to adopt for several reasons, but they all boil down to having tons of love that we want to share with a child(ren). We have both been blessed to work with an amazing organization since we moved to Indiana called HOPE for Families (previously the Indiana Collaboration for Families with Infertility). We have both served on the Board of Directors and have worked on the HOPE Health Fair and fundraisers over the last 4 years or so. One of the biggest blessings of working with this organization has been that we have had the opportunity to have some difficult conversations before we knew if we'd need to consider assistance achieving pregnancy or adoption. We want to make it very clear: We recognize that we have several risk factors for infertility between us, but we have never undergone testing to confirm our fertility status. We decided that we did not want to introduce any blame into our relationship (either blaming each other or ourselves). We have seen amazing families grow in all different ways, and this is simply the way we are choosing to grow our family at this time.
Domestic or International?
We aren't sure yet. At this point, we have not decided which agency we will be working with. We have met with several agencies, and have several more meetings lined up after the start of 2015. Each agency offers different options and programs, so once we choose who we are working with, we will choose the program within that agency that is the right fit for us. That being said, we are open to either option, and to many different countries and ages.
What about that horror story I heard about (insert here)? Aren't you worried about that?
Many fears about adoption come from misinformation, usually perpetuated by Hollywood for the sake of a good story. The birth mother swooping in to "steal her baby back," the awful medical conditions international children are plagued with, the list goes on and on. Indiana is actually a very adoption-friendly state. Yes, there are risks with both domestic and international options. We can only work with our adoption team to minimize those risks as best we can. But, really, aren't there risks no matter how people choose to build their families?
What does the process look like?
Each agency operates a little bit differently, so we will be able to answer this question better once we decide on an agency and a program. However, all programs have a few similar components. Once we decide on an agency to work with, we will undergo a home study and usually some educational classes. Once we have a completed home study on file, it's a bit of a waiting game to get matched with either a waiting child (in the case of international adoption) or an expectant mother (in the case of domestic infant adoption).
Why does it cost so much to adopt a child?
There's no denying that adoption is a lengthy, costly process. The money that we pay will go to the social workers, lawyers, and other professionals who will help us through this process. As we move through this process, we hope to be able to rely on the federal adoption tax credit to help reimburse for some of the expenses. We are also so grateful that Brian works for an adoption-friendly company that provides some financial assistance to reimburse for approved adoption-related costs (yay Target!). We will also be applying for several family building grants. And, Mom and Dad, don't be surprised if we just ask for cash for the next few birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmases!
What can I do to help?
First of all, thanks for asking! One thing you can do is educate yourself about the adoption process and positive adoption language. We are learning a lot through this process, and would love if those closest to us learn along with us! There are several great resources online about using positive adoption language, like this one.
Above, we mentioned the federal adoption tax cedit. Please educate yourself about this program designed to reimburse families pursuing adoption through a tax rebate. The future of this tax credit has been insecure lately, for various politial reasons. Regardless of how you vote, we would love for you to let your representatives know how important this tax credit is to families like us. We hope that we can continue to rely on this tax credit to help fund our adoption process.
Check out our GoFundMe here. It's beyond uncomfortable to ask our family and friends for money, but Brian assures me that no speech is complete without an ask (thank you, masters of non-profit management degree). We are asking anyone who contributes to our fund to also send us an electronic picture of your family. We plan to create a photo collage saying "Love Makes a Family" of all of those images to hang in Little Laskey's room and show him or her how many people helped to bring them home to us.
More than anything, though, the things we need most are love, support, and prayers from our family and friends. We know that this is going to be a long, emotional process, and the more people we have supporting us, the easier it will be for us.
Thank you all for sharing in our excitement! Please be open with your qustions; we know there will be many. We are thrilled to begin this process with so many wonderful people in our corner.
Love,
Stephanie and Brian
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)