We dropped the dogs off at the vet to spend the day, and headed to the agency. Our agency is located about 10 miles from our home, in a cute little neighborhood. It's in a house that's been converted into offices, with a finished garage where they host special events like information sessions, home study classes, and visits between the adoptive couple and birth mothers.
There were eight people in our home study class: us (first child, first adoption), a couple who has a 9 month old son who they adopted through this same agency (second child, second adoption), a couple who has a 4 year old biological daughter and experienced secondary infertility (second child, first adoption), and a single woman who had her mother there as her support (first child, first adoption). It was such a great mix of people and experiences; we were able to learn something from everyone in the room.
The executive director of the agency ran most of the class. One thing we both appreciate about the agency we're working with is that they tell us what we NEED to hear, even when that is different from what we WANT to hear. This class was no different. The ED didn't mince words; everything she said was something that we needed to know.
When we were looking at agencies one of the negative reviews on ASC was that they "focus more on people other than the adoptive couple." This is completely true and the ED was open and honest on that. They care about the baby first (what is in the child's best interest), the birth mom second (does she know what she's doing and understand this is a forever decision) and us, the adoptive parents third. Why are we last? They guarantee us that we will get the child we are meant to raise in the end, so they need to focus more on the others.
The class was less focused on how to pass our home visit (that's what we thought it would be), and instead more focused on what the next few months will look like. We talked about what happens when we get "the call" that tells us that we've been matched with a birth mother: how we may know a lot of information about her, or very little information. How we need to decide within 24 hours if we want to meet with her. How sometimes that call comes when she's just had her first positive pregnancy test, and how other times that call comes when the baby has just been born. (This is called a fall-in-your-lap placement, and it's the one thing that makes Steph most nervous in this whole process.)
We talked about building a relationship with the birth mother, assuming we meet her several months before the birth. We discussed being at doctor appointments with her and being at the hospital during the birth of the baby. Basically, our level of involvement in everything is up to her. Some women like both people in the adoptive couple to be with her in the hospital, some women just like one person with them in the delivery room, and some women prefer we wait in the waiting room. Sorry to everyone else, we won't get family photos in the hospital because only the adoptive couple is allowed to be there, out of sensitivity to the birth mom. So grandmas-to-be, sorry, but you'll have to wait at the house with the two anxious wiener dogs.
During class, we talked about what openness looks like in most adoptions now. We discussed cards, letters, visits, and even private Snapfish accounts for the birth mother to see pictures of our child. We talked about what legal risks looks like, both with the birth mother and the birth father. We talked about insurance issues: who is responsible for the baby's medical care while in the hospital, how to handle the transition from a baby who may be covered under Medicaid with his/her birth mother to being covered under our private insurance, how to make sure our insurance understands that it is federal law that they cover that baby from the moment of birth as long as the adoption goes through. (Note: we've been fighting about this with our insurance a little bit, so it's nice to know that the laws are on our side!)
We were given homework over our lunch break. The executive director gave us intake profiles of women who have placed with this agency in the past. Our instructions were to review the intake profiles and come up with any questions we would ask if our adoption coordinator called us to tell us that this was the woman who selected us. This homework was harder than it sounds. The intake forms were fairly comprehensive, and both of us are used to working in given parameters. I think we both assumed that if the agency had additional information, they would have given it in the form, rather than waiting for us to ask for it.
During the class, we also had the opportunity to talk with an adoptive couple and a birth mother. Hearing their stories was truly touching. The adoptive couple brought their son with them, and he made friends with all of us, crawling around the room and showing off by trying to walk. The emotion from the birth mother who we met was very touching. It was obvious how much she loves her daughter, how happy she is to see that the little girl's adoptive parents love her, too, and how hard the decision to make an adoption plan for her daughter was.
Around dinnertime, the other two couples in our class who already had children were allowed to leave, and we were left with just the single woman and her mother. The evening session of class was called "Ready the Nest" and was only required for first-time parents. This part of class was designed to help us feel comfortable with newborn care and keep us updated on new safety regulations. We learned (or reviewed) how to swaddle, how to properly use a car seat, how to bottle feed, how to care for a circumcision, etc.
Despite the length of the day (about 13.5 hours when all was said and done), it really was a great experience. I don't know that we walked away with a ton of new knowledge, but it really gave us the opportunity to process all the information that's been thrown at us since beginning this process.
So, what's next? Our home visit! This is a 2-3 hour visit with a social worker. She'll come to our home to make sure that it's a safe environment in which to raise a baby. We'll also sit with her to review our finances, our medical histories, our parenting philosophies, our plans for maternity/paternity leave, daycare options, etc. This is all scheduled for October 6th in the afternoon. We'll keep you all posted as to how it goes, but in the meantime, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers! I think we're both a little nervous about this next step.
